Wednesday, September 28, 2011

(The) Wait for Love

Psalm 130:5-6

 5 I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
         And in His word I do hope.
 6 My soul waits for the Lord
         More than those who watch for the morning—
         Yes, more than those who watch for the morning.

     I don't mind admitting that I have been known to struggle with waiting. I don't think that makes me weird or unusual. Patience, has not always been a close acquaintance of mine. I have gotten much better at it over the years. I like to think that with age, has come maturity. But FB has taught me that idea is not true at ALL. I am FB friends with PLENTY of people that I graduated high school with, and many of them are on FB bragging about how impatient they are. So, it's not the age thing. It's God.

     Patience has been one of my prayers for as long as I can remember. As a young wife and mom, I knew that I needed to have more patience with my husband, and with my daughter. But when it really became most evident, was when the Lord began to remake my heart. It was then that He showed me that I didn't have much patience for me. I was sooo hard on myself. Never allowing myself to get away with anything. The slightest infraction caused me to lash out at myself with ugly thoughts, and mean self-talk. I was a perfectionist, and so help me if something I did didn't turn out perfectly. I would have words with the person who pointed out my mistakes...but they got off easy. They would only catch my wrath as long as they were in my presence. I would catch my own wrath for years and years. Constantly reminding myself of the mistake I had made. Always aware that I could never make that same mistake, again. It was a hard life.

     But when God began to put me together, again, He left out a lot of qualities that weren't serving me well (Thank you, Jesus!). So, perfectionism went out of the door, along with negative self-talk, low self-esteem, constantly complaining, seeing the glass as half-empty, rebellion, discontentment, selfishness, unprovoked anger, meanness and general dis-satisfaction. He replaced that stuff with things I would need like compassion, empathy/sympathy, acceptance, positivity, happiness, joy, peace, desire to be harmonious with others, obedience, the ability to laugh at myself and patience.

     Soon, waiting wasn't as difficult, anymore. It still wasn't something I would choose to do, if given the choice. But, I no longer went into tempter tantrums at the thought of not getting what I wanted, when I wanted it. God even began to reveal to me the gift in waiting. The beauty in waiting. No where was the gift and beauty so evident, as when I was pregnant with my son.

     While I marked off the days of my daughter's pregnancy with unabashed impatience, my son's pregnancy was different. It was an easy, breezy period of time, where I grew to know him, and experience him daily for 39 weeks. I knew when he was asleep, or awake. Hungry or content. I knew when he liked something...or didn't like it at all. I knew that every night, when I settled down for bed, he would get geared up to play. He would kick, and roll, and have a jolly good time for about 30 to 40 minute each night. I could count on it. I would climb into bed, pull the blanket up on my legs, and watch and giggle in awe as my baby performed for his audience of one. I enjoyed that time sooo much. Not once, while he was dancing inside me, did I think "I wish he was out here dancing in front of me." I understood that time would come, and I was content to experience him on the inside, for as long as God saw fit for him to be there.

     To be honest, God has shown me these last five years or so, how much I actually enjoy being patient. I remember my life before patience. It was very stressed (not to say that I don't currently have stress, but over other things...not waiting), and I was often disappointed that things weren't happening on my timetable. I was often curt, and frustrated, because people weren't moving fast enough for me. I've had WAY more than my fair share of "road rage" experiences. I was often mad, cranky and short-tempered.

     But with patience, my temperance is MUCH more even-keeled. I like to joke and say I'm Like President Obama. I once heard him say, "my 'highs' don't go very high, my 'lows' don't go very low." That's me. The best things in life bring me joy, but I don't (try not to) worship them. The worse things in life bring me grief, but I try not to wallow there. Patience has given me the gift of even-temperance. (If some people from my past could see me now!!!) Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

     Sometimes, the evil which is impatience rears it's ugly head. TTC definitely brings out the beast in me. And I find myself justifying all of the reasons that it's only natural that I feel impatient about getting pregnant. I mean, first off...I'm 40. That alone is enough to make a 20+ year old TTCer cringe. Secondly...I'm 40. Thirdly...I'll be 41 VERY shortly. Each month, I remind God of my age while I'm doing my begging prayer work. I remind Him that the odds are rapidly gearing up to go against me. I remind Him of the (alleged) condition of 40 year old eggs. I remind Him that I'm only gonna keep getting older...not younger. I remind Him.

     And occassionally, He reminds me...sometimes, there is a gift in waiting. Beauty in waiting.

     So, I will wait for the Lord. In His word, I do hope. And His word, I will use as my anchor as I navigate the stormy seas of TTC baby #3.

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