Monday, September 5, 2011

You Can Get With This

(Subtitled: The Choice is Mine)

Deuteronomy 30:19
I call heaven and earth as witnesses today against you,
that I have set before you life and death,
blessing and cursing;
therefore choose life,
that both you and your descendants may live

So, today wasn't a bad day. I mean, I got up and spent some time by myself (which I LOVE) while K (the daughter) slept, and the Hubs watched K2.0 (the son). I prepared the food that we will eat for dinner over the next few days, and made bottles. Once the Hubs left for work, the K, K2.0 and I went over to my mom's for some Labor Day barbecue. It was all in all a good day.

Except, yesterday I got my period. Not that it should bother me. After all, this is the ONE month this year that I have NOT wanted to get pregnant. I'm saying, an August pregnancy equals a May due date. And K is a senior in high school. May is a very important month for her. There's prom, luncheons and yes, even graduation. I would feel worse than awful if I thwarted any of her plans and desires because I went into labor. And I would be COMPLETELY suicidal if I missed her graduation, because I was off giving birth, or recovering from birth. She was my only child for 15 years. She's my Mini-Me. I just can't risk something like that. I just can't be be all willy-nilly with something as important to her as having her mom help her get ready for prom, or seeing her graduate. So, I took extra precautions this month. I skipped on BD'ing around O, and really tried my best not to make any moves that might result in pregnancy.

And I was successful. K's prom and graduation will go off sans any drama related to having a 9 month / 40 week pregnant mother. I should feel relieved. Proud of myself even. But all I feel is ambivalent. I feel like, one more month has come to an end, bringing 2011 closer to an end, bringing my 40th year of life closer to an end, possibly bringing my fertility closer to an end.

I can admit that I'm so frantic to get pregnant, because I really need to know that I can get pregnant. Although I had a baby 10 (somewhat) short months ago, the fear that my age has caught up to me / is rapidly gaining speed on me, scares the daylights out of me. I don't want to go into menopause. I don't want to have reduce ovarian reserve. I want the opportunity to shut down the "baby-making" factory. I don't want the factory to shut down on me.

Fear creeps in somewhat subtly, but swiftly. Fear is soooo slick like that. Like a slutty chick, she moves in slowly, seductively, but once she's arrived it doesn't take long for her to pounce. I can be going along just fine, and next thing I know, BAM!!!! I'll remember that my 41st birthday is approaching. And after that, the 42nd one will want it's chance to shine. Then, the 43rd one will get impatient, and so on and so on. I don't wanna look up, and be 45 without another pregnancy.

I work myself into a frenzy of worry. I find myself googling AHM test. Wondering if taking one would do a person like me more harm or good (more harm, unless it came back favorably). I'm looking up the symptoms of "peri-menopause." Blessedly, I don't have any. I start reading blogs, and I come across a line that says, "I will have happiness." And I decide, "Hey, that sounds good." So, I too will have happiness.

And the Lord reminded me that I can have happiness anytime I want it. It's available to me All I have to do is choose it. So, I do. I choose it. I choose to believe that even though I don't always feel as positive about my situation as I would like to, I'm not about to start feeling/believing the opposite. I'm not about to get negative...or even worse...bitter. When I catch myself getting down about my situation, I will choose happiness. Positivity. Faith. it's my decision. I can choose whatever I want.

Blacksheep told me so, way back in 1991. They told me that, "I could get with this, or I could get with that." I think I'll get with positivity, cuz hope is kinda PHAT!!!!!

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