Disappointment

     So, I had taken a break from blogging, because I was boring myself with all of the post about me "still not being pregnant", after a record-breaking 12 months of trying.

     I was ready to move on to IVF, but my insurance company insists that I try IUI, first. I have to be honest, I have never had a lot of faith in IUI. I don't know why. I don't have any evidence to back up my feelings, I just always think of it as a llllllllooooooonnnnnnggggggsssssshhhhhooooootttttt. So, I felt pretty confident that I would waste three good months, attempting IUIs that weren't gonna work.

     But somewhere during the course of being injected with multiple IUs of Follistim by my teenage daughter, and going in for "follicle checks", blood work and ultrasounds, I started to believe that maybe IUI would work for us. Maybe we would finally get our final child/ren and finally complete our family.

     I was totally hopeful, that when I started having light spotting and extreme menstrual cramps yesterday afternoon, I convinced myself that it was implantation. I mean, I was still 8 days out from when my period is supposed to start, it was perfect timing. But when the cramps returned today with even more force, and when spotting turned to bleeding, there was no way I could continue on in my denial. My period is coming....or it's here. I'm not really sure which one, yet.

     It's 7 days early. I wasn't even scheduled for my beta until next Monday, but my period decided to rob me of that opportunity. I didn't even get to make it to the place where you wonder if your trigger shot has left your body, and run through a few HPTs. I can't help wondering if I should've insisted on adding the progesterone that they told me I didn't need, to my protocol.

     This cycle was a Major bust.

25 Days of Worship ~ Awesome

Psalm 47:2
For the LORD Most High is awesome;
He is a great King over all the earth.

     This is my pastor, and church choir. They performed this song at The Stellar Awards this year. The words are fabulous!!! MY GOD IS AWESOME.

 

26 Days of Worship ~ Love...so many people use your name in vain

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers over a multitude of sins.


   I'm not really big on Valentine's Day. I never require the hubby to acknowledge it, let alone spend money on anything pertaining to it. As a matter of fact, the best "Valentine's Day" gift that I've ever gotten has been new tires on my car (sooo romantic - LOL).

     However, I am a huge fan of love. Real love. Lasting love. Love that goes beyond butterflies in the stomach and goosebumps. Love that chooses to love even when it's angry, hurt, tired, bored, repetitive, or otherwise. Love that endures. Love that surpasses. Love that encompasses. Love that...loves.

Speechless

     This young lady is the worship leader at my church.

     She has such a blessed voice. I hope you enjoy hearing her, as much as I do each Sunday.

27 Days of Worship ~ The Right "Man" for the Job

Isaiah 45:7
I form the light and create darkness,
 I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

Ecclesiastes 7:14
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider this:
God has made the one as well as the other

     I'm an unconventional Christian. I admit that. I relish in it. Not that I think that I'm a "better" Christian than other Christians. I just think that since my relationship with the Lord is personal and individualized, I don't choose to or have to follow the pack. One of the reasons that I consider myself unconventional, is because the 2 verses listed above are 2 of my favorite bible verses. I LOVE  them, because the remind me that following Jesus isn't all about warm-fuzzies, cotton candy and good times. Following the Lord is about living a life that is filled with good times, bad times, happiness, sadness, life, death, healing, broken-ness, honesty, denial, selflessness, selfishness, holiness, carnality and everything in between. Bad things happen to believers, and we have to deal with unfortunate circumstances just like anybody else. And yes, those situations suck for us...just like they do for anybody else.

     I've been really somewhat bothered by the idea that it's taking soooo long for me to get pregnant this time around. It gets under my skin that I'm having to work so hard for something that I have achieved TWICE without extending the same amount of effort that I'm extending now with NO results. And I was basically bitter that I was referred to an IVF clinic when I asked my OB/GYN for some help (which in my mind meant testing, and ruling out anything physical, other than my ADVANCED age.). I wasn't expecting to be treated like getting pregnant on my own was out of the question for me. I wasn't expecting to be made to feel like my reproductive equipment was obsolete and ineffective. I felt like she kinda sucka-punched me with me the entire IVF thing. It really blew me, because I just had a baby 15 months ago. So, if my stuff was working 15 months ago, is it really broken? I mean, I realize that I'm a year older...but really?

     Anyway, these are the types of thoughts that were running through my mind. And to be honest, I had a little beef with God. I'm saying, there are definitely benefits to being a child of the Most High. I was wondering where my benefits had disappeared to. I was wondering why my prayers were going unanswered. I was wondering why I was in a situation where I even knew where the IVF clinic was located. Why was I being poked, prodded and prepped for a possible IVF? Not that I'm against A.R.T., but as a "fertile", IVF was something that had never even entered my mind. Yet, I found myself frequently visiting the IVF clinic for blood work and invasive ultrasounds.

     Finally, God (I assumed after He grew tired of listening to me whine and lament) spoke to my heart. He asked me, "Mrs. Mocha, if I keep my children from every unpleasant thing on earth, who is supposed to speak life into these situations when non-believers or those whose faith is weakened or challenged go through hardships? If my children haven't lived through pain, hurt, loss, disappointment, death, problems, terrible medical diagnosis, shocking revelations, difficulties, tears, torment, disaster and come out on the other side, who would I be able to trust to give testimony? Who would openly empathize and offer encouragement? Who would uplift the people with stories of how they made it over?

     And my entire attitude about IVF and the IVF clinic changed. Now, I see it for the blessing that it is. Now, when I go there, I can't help but think of John 1:3 ~ All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made.

 And now I see God's goodness and mercy in the clinic that gives hope to those who otherwise wouldn't have any hope. And now, I'm good with the idea that I might get to experience IVF. I'm good with the  idea that my testimony might help encourage one of my friends or even a stranger. And I feel honored that God might allow me to be used to restore faith. That my experience might speak to somebody else in a real and meaningful way.

 

Day 28 ~ Desires of My Heart

Psalm 37:4
Delight yourself also in the LORD,
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4 is one of my favorite scriptures. My (baby) brother-in-law was the first person to quote this verse to me. And me, with my canal and selfish self, took the idea and ran with it. My thought process went something like, "all I have to do is delight myself in the Lord, and He will give me the desires of my heart?"
    
     "I'm with it!!!!" I remember thinking to myself.

      I would've been willing to do just about anything to have a promise of answer prayer for all of the tings that my heart desired. Shoot, I had a lot of desires...money, a big house (custom built), a successful career, monthly vacations, a phat bank account, and a wardrobe filled with C.oach and G.ucci purses.

     As I matured in my walk with the Lord, my understanding of this scripture changed. I no longer believed that the Lord was my "Genie" and all I had to do was "delight in Him" (rub His belly), then I could ask for anything that my heart desired and receive it. I decided what the scripture really meant was that those things that were "beyond" me (like my compassion for children and wanting to be a teacher) were the things that the Lord had placed inside of me. I decided that the things that I couldn't understand my yearning for, had been placed there by the Lord. So, He was GIVING me the desires that were in my heart. Each time I yearned and hungered to be through with school, so I could have my own classroom, the Lord was responsible for that feeling.

     It wasn't until recently, when my pastor preached a message on this scripture that I feel like I have FINALLY, truly understood the meaning...and I love this scripture even more now, than I did when I thought it was my "get prayers answered" button. LOL. What I now believe is that, if I "delight myself" (find joy, and happiness) in the Lord (and have faith and trust in His reasons for putting me on this earth), then He will give me the desires of my heart (meaning that what He desires for me, will become my desire as well. I won't be consumed by my own thoughts for my life, but will be interested only in doing the things that God would have me to do). Which makes total sense, since I was created to make God's praise glorious. And I was created for Him, although I often operate like He was created for me.

     Thank God that in the midst of Him holding the entire world in His hands, he is still available and willing to spend time with me, filling my heart, mind, and life with His perfect desires. I am a lucky girl!

Sweeter

Psalm 1119: 102-104
¹⁰² I have not departed from Your judgments,
For You Yourself have taught me.
¹⁰³ How sweet are Your words to my taste,
Sweeter than honey to my mouth!

     I love this song, and wanted to share it. The words bring joy to my heart! Enjoy!!!!