tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66494365759496413822024-03-14T02:16:43.021-05:00While I WaitI am a child of God, wife and mother of two, who is currently TTC baby #3. Follow me on this journey of ups, downs, encouragement, laughter, disappointment and happiness. Sometimes the things I write will be very deep, other times...uhm, not so much. Hope you enjoy this ride as much as I do!Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.comBlogger60125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-45450480012415348972013-01-10T12:17:00.001-06:002013-01-10T12:17:26.210-06:00The Second Time Around Part I<em>September 13, 2012</em><br />
<br />
The title of this post comes from a song that I used to dance to and sing, way back was I was a little girl in 1979 and 1980. I remember the song, because it was good music, but also because the words have been extremely apropos for me, during many of life's experiences. And the words came rushing back, again, when I started this 2nd round of IVF.<br />
<br />
This round has been <strong>COMPLETELY</strong> different than round #1. Not that I thought the first round was gonna end up to be the bust that it turned out to be. It started off very positively. I had good growth at each u/s visit and my E2 rose appropriately. By the end of the stim cycle, I had a good 12 or 13 follies. But then, I jacked up my trigger shot by simply forgetting to screw on the syringe tightly. So, I was helpless as 90% of my Pregnyl rolled down my backside, and my husband kept right on going..even though he could see what was happening, and I couldn't. Though, in all fairness, I could feel it, but it was 3am, and I wasn't sure what exactly was happening. I did call my nurse right away and tell her about the mishap. I did go into the office at daybreak. But they assured me that HGC was present in my bloodwork. They felt that everything would be fine.<br />
<br />
It wasn't. The day of retrieval, they got 3 eggs. All of which were immature. The next day, one matured. The next day, it fertilized. The following day, we transferred a four-cell embryo back into my uterus. Nine days later, I started my period.<br />
<br />
This time, my body responded to stims crazily. By my day 5 u/s, I had a follicle at 15. They reduced my dosage once, then twice, then a third time. They feared OHSS. They told me to disregard the Pregnyl trigger that had come in my box of meds. They had me come to the office and pick up a Lupron trigger. Pre-filled, no chances of screwing it up...I was a happy, if not nauseous camper. They scheduled an ER date, I couldn't do it. Had to push back the retrieval by a day. They were nervous. Thought I would ovulate on my own. <br />
<br />
Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-6239671941007779192013-01-09T21:52:00.000-06:002013-01-09T21:52:16.062-06:00Day 5 of Stims<em>September 5, 2012</em><br />
<br />
<br />
Today is day #5 of stims. I already have several measurable follies, with the largest being 15. My E2 is over 1000. They are dropping my dosage of Follistim tonight, and even more tomorrow night. The nurse says we might be looking at a Monday retrieval. How scary is that???<br />
<br />
Things are moving way more quickly this time. I really hope this is it. I really hope this time is the time that I get to complete my family.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-56938831999135360742012-10-24T16:03:00.000-05:002012-10-24T16:03:07.728-05:00IVF #2 Well, "Chance" decided not to grow, and grow. So, here we are, preparing for our second dance with IVF. I can't say that I was surprised, but I was definitely disappointed that things didn't work out the way that I would've wanted them to work.<br />
<br />
After a particularly long 8dp3dt, my back was aching and I was extremely tired. I went to the restroom, and almost fainted when I saw blood on the Charmin. It totally caught me off guard, but in retrospect, I realized that the terrible backache was a tell-tale symptom of my cycle.<br />
<br />
Life goes on.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-66113194600101403352012-10-23T09:30:00.000-05:002012-10-23T09:30:50.120-05:00The IVF<em>July 20, 2012</em><br />
<br />
So, here's the thing that I discovered about IVF...it's very similar to motherhood. From the outside looking in, it looks like one thing, but when you're in it, you realize that's it's a totally different ballgame from the one you thought you'd be playing.<br />
<br />
IVF was something that I did not take seriously enough. I was very lackadaisical and reckless about the entire thing. I would watch Giuliana and bill and imagine the process, and read the blogs of the "road warriors" who had undergone 2, 3 and sometimes even more IVFs. I didn't think it would be a cakewalk, but I definitely didn't think it'd be the nightmarish trip to hell and back that it was. The high doses of insanity inducing hormones. The discomfort of a super bloated tummy. The intense gas pains. The mood-swings. The constant monitoring. The anxiety. The disappointment. The heartbreak of getting a less than favorable retrieval report. The gut-wrenching realization that you might have to do it all over again, if this cycle doesn't work. I think IVF is a wonderful, life-altering, blessed, God-given gift. I'm so grateful that this option was available to me and the hubby. I'm glad I was able to experience IVF, and that I might be an inspiration to others though this process. However, I really hated IVF. It was HARD. I pray that I never have to do it, again.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-65691175262046598752012-10-22T22:39:00.001-05:002012-10-22T22:39:13.743-05:00 I can't believe it!!!<em>July 21, 2012</em><br />
<br />
I'm <strong>PUPO</strong>!!!!!<br />
<br />
I can't believe that I get to write that. I wasn't sure it would ever happen for me. But I'm <strong>PUPO</strong>!!!! I'm <strong>PUPO</strong>!!! I'm <strong>PUPO</strong>!!!<br />
<br />
My transfer was a 3day. My embryo wasn't winning any awards. They graded it a 3, on a scale of to 4, with 4 being the highest. However, I'm encouraged. My body knows how to get pregnant, and stay pregnant. <br />
<br />
I pray that my little embaby (whom I've taken to referring to as "Chance", because God is giving me the chance to complete my family) grows, and grows.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-66262980342375079422012-10-21T19:20:00.000-05:002012-10-21T19:20:13.274-05:00Getting To The Good Part<em>July 20, 2012</em><br />
<br />
I had my ET today. Compared to the ER portion of IVF, the transfer was FABULOUS!!!!<br />
<br />
The Dr who did my transfer was so nice, and personable. She was young, but very skilled. The nurses who took care of me, really took good care of me. They were my advocates in the operating room. They guided me, and lead me so that I had a really fantastic transfer experience. <br />
<br />
I love classical music, and the Dr. played some beautiful music during the procedure. It was a combo classical/zen/nature inspired thing, that completely relaxed me. While I was there, with my legs in the stirrups, my bladder threatening to burst, my lovely lady parts exposed, and my future child resting in a petri dish, I felt the presence of the Lord. So, I prayed. And I thanked the Lord for creating life all by Himself. I thanked Him for being with the teenagers who unknowingly created life in the backseats of cars, and behind bleachers after home games, and on top of piles of coats at house parties, and in empty stairwells. I thanked the Lord for being with the couples who created life in hotel rooms in Europe while on vacation, and on the couch, and on the breakfast table, and in their bedrooms, and everywhere on earth that people come together and create life. And I thanked Him for being with me, although some people would work to convince me otherwise. I know the Lord was with me. Blessing me. Holding me. Understanding me. Knowing my innermost thoughts. Having mercy on me. Covering me. Loving me.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-81527689626727781802012-09-17T15:11:00.002-05:002012-09-17T15:11:28.537-05:00How Arrogant Was I?????<em>July 18, 2012</em><br />
<br />
So, yesterday I had my retrieval. I had posted earlier (before the retrieval, and before I jacked up my trigger shot, to the point that I thought the entire cycle was gonna be a bust) I was seriously considering putting back 3 embryos. I thought putting back 3 would give us the best opportunity to end up with a much coveted (by me) set of twins.<br />
<br />
Well, today I heard from the embryologist. Only 3 eggs retrieved. Only 1 egg mature. Only 1 egg fertilized.<br />
<br />
<br />
This is a really tragic outcome!<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-46664199982084521452012-09-09T12:39:00.000-05:002012-09-09T12:39:06.071-05:00The Secrets That We Keep <em>
July 11, 2012</em><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"> So, I'm currently going through <strong>IVF</strong>. Nobody knows this
except the hubby (<em>of course</em>), and the people at my clinic (<em>naturally</em>), and the
people at both pharmacies that my insurance uses (<em>goes without</em> <em>saying</em>) There is
however, the strong possibility that K knows. I mean, she is 17, and she's not
a stupid girl. Plus, she's been giving me the injections, although I have tried
to lead her to believe that those have something to do with my messed-up
thyroid.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s pretty bittersweet
going through this ordeal alone. I mean, on the one hand I’m a <strong>VERY</strong> private
person, so the idea of keeping my business to myself suits me. I don’t have to
listen to the negative <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>comments that are
going to come regarding my age (41), or that I have a daughter who is headed to
college in about 50 days, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>or my
employment status (sahm), or my the fact that my son was diagnosed with a
chromosomal disorder at birth. I can spend this time dreaming of completing my
family and what that will look like.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>On the other
hand, it does kinda suck not being able to share the ups and downs of this
thing with anybody. I mean, right now my stomach aches, and my pants are almost
too tight to button. And the hormones are make me crazy. Last night, K2.0 was
really giving me the business when I was getting him ready for the bath. He
would kick his little He-Man legs every time I tried to get his diaper off. So, I
decided to let him know that I was serious with him, and not interested in playing with him. I
meant to calmly, but firmly say, “Cut it out, 2.0,” while hitting the bed for
emphasis. What ended up happening, was me yelling, “Stop!”, while punching the
bed. The hubby and K were in the room with us, and the three of them looked at
me like I was insane, and the room got eerily quiet. I was so consumed with my
own thoughts (<em>why did I yell that, when I meant to say it calmly, but</em>
<em>firmly</em>????), that I didn’t even remember to apologize to my baby, or explain myself to the
hubby and/or K. I was still wondering what had come over me later, while I was
actually bathing K2.0, and before I went to sleep.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would love to share with a friend or confidante
that today is day 7 of stims, and I already have 8 measurable follies. That my
nurse says that I’m responding better to stims than the girls in their 20s who
are also cycling this month. I shared it with the Hubby, his response was, “I’m
happy for you.” He’s happy for me? Whatever. For fear of what <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the hormones might lead me to say, I let that
comment ride.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish I could
share how scared I am about this cycle. How I want my body to respond well, but
I don’t want to use my last 15 good eggs on this attempt, and have it not work.
There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now. Mainly about how
badly I hope this cycle is successful. I REALLY want to get off of this rollercoaster. I
really want to complete the family building portion of my life and get to the
part where I’m enjoying watching my kids grow and blossom.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wish that I had somebody to tell exactly how
<strong>EXCITED</strong> I am, that this opportunity is even happening to me!!!<o:p></o:p></span>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-77427521553555823282012-09-05T20:30:00.000-05:002012-09-05T20:30:15.029-05:00I'm Thinking...Three<em>June 28, 2012</em><br />
<br />
<br />
So, I know I haven't been the most regular of bloggers. And I have any number of excuses for that. Starting with K's prom, her high school graduation, and her impending move to Virginia for college. In the midst of all of this, I have been preparing for IVF #1. Now that, is something that I have been VERY reluctant to blog about...mainly because of fear of failure.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I'll end the BCPs in two days. I go for my baseline next Thursday. I'll probably start my stims that day, as well. Then, I'll be off to the races.<br />
<br />
My RE's office already informed for me that for my age-group, my insurance will allow me to put back as many as 5 embryos. That number made me heart race. I'm not at all interested in putting back 5. But it is something that I've given a lot of thought. My husband only wants to put back one, but me? I'm thinking that I wanna put back 3.<br />
<br />
We'll see if that stands. *smile*Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-57405983989907867662012-06-28T16:35:00.001-05:002012-06-28T16:39:31.718-05:0024 Days of Worship ~ I Feel Good!!!<a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=Habakkuk+3:18&version=NKJV"><strong><span style="color: black;">Habakkuk 3:18</span></strong></a><br />
<em>Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,</em><br />
<em>I will joy in the God of my salvation.</em><br />
<br />
<span class="keywordresultextras"> This is a single by gospel great, Fred Hammond. I love him. He has such pleasing and relaxing vocal stylings to me. But the thing about this song tha</span><iframe frameborder="0" height="0" id="stSegmentFrame" name="stSegmentFrame" scrolling="no" src="http://seg.sharethis.com/getSegment.php?purl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fpost-create.g%3FblogID%3D6649436575949641382&jsref=&rnd=1328040043568" style="display: none;" width="0"></iframe>t really moves me, is the lyrics.<br />
<br /> The first time I heard the song, I chose to meditate on the phrase, "The joy I feel on the inside, should show up on the outside." I LOVE that!!! I try to live like that. But since hearing this song, I make a seriously concerted effort to make sure that when people come in contact with me, they leave my presence with the sense that they had an encounter with a joyful person. I do feel joy on the inside. I mean, not every second of the day. Sometimes, I feel down right defeated (I try not to stay there, but I definitely have moments where I feel down, just like anybody else). But, in general I am a joyous person. Life is sooo good. In spite of everything that sucks, life is sooo good. It's good just to even have life. Life allows me to cuddle with K2.0, kiss the chubby cheeks of K (when she'll let me, LOL), and hug the hubs. Life allows me to experience nature, and the beauty of God's earth. It allows me to laugh, and hear good jokes, and have good conversations, and think deep thoughts. I just really enjoy the gift of life.<br />
<br />
I love the part of the song that says, "I choose to feel love. I choose to feel peace." I thank God that in His all knowingness, He gave me the ability to CHOOSE. So, I'm with Fred Hammond. I choose to feel love. I choose to feel peace. I choose to feel joy. I chose to feel forgiving. I choose to feel cooperative. I choose to feel flexible. I choose to feel humility. I choose to feel inspired. I choose to feel hopeful. I choose to feel good.<br />
<br /> I feel good. Not because anything particularly new, or exciting is happening in my life at the moment. But just because I choose to feel good.<br />
<br />
I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. (fade out)<br />
<br />
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Dz1CJCRtIwU?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-87901660513278503742012-04-04T20:54:00.000-05:002012-04-04T20:54:39.031-05:00Disappointment So, I had taken a break from blogging, because I was boring myself with all of the post about me "still not being pregnant", after a record-breaking 12 months of trying.<br />
<br />
I was ready to move on to IVF, but my insurance company insists that I try IUI, first. I have to be honest, I have never had a lot of faith in IUI. I don't know why. I don't have any evidence to back up my feelings, I just always think of it as a llllllllooooooonnnnnnggggggsssssshhhhhooooootttttt. So, I felt pretty confident that I would waste three good months, attempting IUIs that weren't gonna work.<br />
<br />
But somewhere during the course of being injected with multiple IUs of Follistim by my teenage daughter, and going in for "follicle checks", blood work and ultrasounds, I started to believe that maybe IUI would work for us. Maybe we would finally get our final child/ren and finally complete our family.<br />
<br />
I was totally hopeful, that when I started having light spotting and extreme menstrual cramps yesterday afternoon, I convinced myself that it was implantation. I mean, I was still 8 days out from when my period is supposed to start, it was perfect timing. But when the cramps returned today with even more force, and when spotting turned to bleeding, there was no way I could continue on in my denial. My period is coming....or it's here. I'm not really sure which one, yet.<br />
<br />
It's 7 days early. I wasn't even scheduled for my beta until next Monday, but my period decided to rob me of that opportunity. I didn't even get to make it to the place where you wonder if your trigger shot has left your body, and run through a few HPTs. I can't help wondering if I should've insisted on adding the progesterone that they told me I didn't need, to my protocol.<br />
<br />
This cycle was a Major bust.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-77478934872732577092012-02-17T12:18:00.000-06:002012-02-17T12:18:59.183-06:0025 Days of Worship ~ Awesome<a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=Psalm+47:2&version=NKJV"><strong><span style="color: black;">Psalm 47:2</span></strong></a><br />
<em>For the LORD Most High is <b>awesome</b>;</em><br />
<em>He is a great King over all the earth</em>.<br />
<br />
This is my pastor, and church choir. They performed this song at The Stellar Awards this year. The words are fabulous!!! MY GOD IS AWESOME.<br />
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<div class="stwrapper" id="stwrapper" style="left: -999px; top: -999px; visibility: hidden;"><div class="stclose"> </div></div>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-14070982645998285992012-02-14T14:32:00.000-06:002012-02-14T14:32:43.902-06:0026 Days of Worship ~ Love...so many people use your name in vain<a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=1 Peter+4:8&version=NIV"><strong><span style="color: black;">1 Peter 4:8</span></strong></a><br />
<em>Above all, love each other deeply,</em><br />
<em>because <b>love covers</b> over a multitude of sins.</em><br />
<br />
<br />
I'm not really big on Valentine's Day. I never require the hubby to acknowledge it, let alone spend money on anything pertaining to it. As a matter of fact, the best "Valentine's Day" gift that I've ever gotten has been new tires on my car (sooo romantic - LOL).<br />
<br />
However, I am a huge fan of love. Real love. Lasting love. Love that goes beyond butterflies in the stomach and goosebumps. Love that chooses to love even when it's angry, hurt, tired, bored, repetitive, or otherwise. Love that endures. Love that surpasses. Love that encompasses. Love that...loves.<br />
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<span class="keywordresultextras"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=1 Peter+4:7-9&version=NIV"></a></span>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-87999222111894814852012-02-02T14:26:00.000-06:002012-02-02T14:26:32.371-06:00Speechless This young lady is the worship leader at my church.<br />
<br />
She has such a blessed voice. I hope you enjoy hearing her, as much as I do each Sunday.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/7LPxJR2TZ7Q?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-68037544419216808182012-01-31T14:24:00.000-06:002012-01-31T14:24:43.610-06:0027 Days of Worship ~ The Right "Man" for the Job<a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=Isaiah+45:7&version=NIV"><strong><span style="color: black;">Isaiah 45:7</span></strong></a><br />
<em>I form the light and create darkness,</em><br />
<em> I bring prosperity and create disaster; </em><br />
<em>I, the LORD, do <b>all</b> these things.</em><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=Ecclesiastes+7:14&version=NIV"><strong><span style="color: black;">Ecclesiastes 7:14</span></strong></a><br />
<em>When times are good, be happy; </em><br />
<em>but when times are bad, consider this:</em><br />
<em>God has made the one as well as the other</em><br />
<br />
<span class="keywordresultextras"> I'm an unconventional Christian. I admit that. I relish in it. Not that I think that I'm a "better" Christian than other Christians. I just think that since my relationship with the Lord is personal and individualized, I don't choose to or have to follow the pack. One of the reasons that I consider myself unconventional, is because the 2 verses listed above are 2 of my favorite bible verses. I LOVE them, because the remind me that following Jesus isn't all about warm-fuzzies, cotton candy and good times. Following the Lord is about living a life that is filled with good times, bad times, happiness, sadness, life, death, healing, broken-ness, honesty, denial, selflessness, selfishness, holiness, carnality and everything in between. Bad things happen to believers, and we have to deal with unfortunate circumstances just like anybody else. And yes, those situations suck for us...just like they do for anybody else.</span><br />
<br />
I've been <strike>really</strike> somewhat bothered by the idea that it's taking soooo long for me to get pregnant this time around. It gets under my skin that I'm having to work so hard for something that I have achieved TWICE without extending the same amount of effort that I'm extending now with NO results. And I was basically bitter that I was referred to an IVF clinic when I asked my OB/GYN for some help (which in my mind meant testing, and ruling out anything physical, other than my ADVANCED age.). I wasn't expecting to be treated like getting pregnant on my own was out of the question for me. I wasn't expecting to be made to feel like my reproductive equipment was obsolete and ineffective. I felt like she kinda sucka-punched me with me the entire IVF thing. It really blew me, because I just had a baby 15 months ago. So, if my stuff was working 15 months ago, is it really broken? I mean, I realize that I'm a year older...but really?<br />
<br />
Anyway, these are the types of thoughts that were running through my mind. And to be honest, I had a little beef with God. I'm saying, there are definitely benefits to being a child of the Most High. I was wondering where my benefits had disappeared to. I was wondering why <em>my</em> prayers were going unanswered. I was wondering why I was in a situation where I even knew where the IVF clinic was located. Why was I being poked, prodded and prepped for a possible IVF? Not that I'm against A.R.T., but as a "fertile", IVF was something that had never even entered my mind. Yet, I found myself frequently visiting the IVF clinic for blood work and invasive ultrasounds.<br />
<br />
Finally, God (I assumed after He grew tired of listening to me whine and lament) spoke to my heart. He asked me, "Mrs. Mocha, if I keep my children from every unpleasant thing on earth, who is supposed to speak life into these situations when non-believers or those whose faith is weakened or challenged go through hardships? If my children haven't lived through pain, hurt, loss, disappointment, death, problems, terrible medical diagnosis, shocking revelations, difficulties, tears, torment, disaster and come out on the other side, who would I be able to trust to give testimony? Who would openly empathize and offer encouragement? Who would uplift the people with stories of how they made it over?<br />
<br />
And my entire attitude about IVF and the IVF clinic changed. Now, I see it for the blessing that it is. Now, when I go there, I can't help but think of <strong>John 1:3</strong> ~ <em>All things were <b>made</b> through Him, and</em> <em>without Him nothing was <b>made</b> that was <b>made</b></em>.<br />
<br />
And now I see God's goodness and mercy in the clinic that gives hope to those who otherwise wouldn't have any hope. And now, I'm good with the idea that I might get to experience IVF. I'm good with the idea that my testimony might help encourage one of my friends or even a stranger. And I feel honored that God might allow me to be used to restore faith. That my experience might speak to somebody else in a real and meaningful way.<iframe frameborder="0" height="0" id="stSegmentFrame" name="stSegmentFrame" scrolling="no" src="http://seg.sharethis.com/getSegment.php?purl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fpost-edit.g%3FblogID%3D6649436575949641382%26postID%3D6803754441921680818&jsref=&rnd=1327537328420" style="display: none;" width="0"></iframe><br />
<div class="stwrapper" id="stwrapper" style="left: -999px; top: -999px; visibility: hidden;"><div class="stclose"> </div></div>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-72290656225215648772012-01-25T18:40:00.001-06:002012-01-25T18:42:23.660-06:00Day 28 ~ Desires of My Heart<strong>Psalm 37:4</strong><br />
<em>Delight yourself also in the LORD,<br />
And He shall give you the desires of your heart.</em><br />
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Psalm 37:4 is one of my favorite scriptures. My (baby) brother-in-law was the first person to quote this verse to me. And me, with my canal and selfish self, took the idea and ran with it. My thought process went something like, "all I have to do is delight myself in the Lord, and He will give me the desires of my heart?"<br />
<br />
<strong>"I'm with it!!!!" I remember thinking to myself.</strong><br />
<strong></strong> <br />
<strong> </strong> I would've been willing to do just about anything to have a promise of answer prayer for all of the tings that my heart desired. Shoot, I had a lot of desires...money, a big house (custom built), a successful career, monthly vacations, a phat bank account, and a wardrobe filled with C.oach and G.ucci purses.<br />
<br />
As I matured in my walk with the Lord, my understanding of this scripture changed. I no longer believed that the Lord was my "Genie" and all I had to do was "delight in Him" (rub His belly), then I could ask for anything that my heart desired and receive it. I decided what the scripture <em>really</em> meant was that those things that were "beyond" me (like my compassion for children and wanting to be a teacher) were the things that the Lord had placed inside of me. I decided that the things that I couldn't understand my yearning for, had been placed there by the Lord. So, He was<strong> GIVING</strong> me the desires that were in my heart. Each time I yearned and hungered to be through with school, so I could have my own classroom, the Lord was responsible for that feeling.<br />
<br />
It wasn't until recently, when my pastor preached a message on this scripture that I feel like I have FINALLY, truly understood the meaning...and I love this scripture even more now, than I did when I thought it was my "get prayers answered" button. LOL. What I now believe is that, if I "delight myself" (find joy, and happiness) in the Lord (and have faith and trust in His reasons for putting me on this earth), then He will give me the desires of my heart (meaning that what He desires for me, will become my desire as well. I won't be consumed by my own thoughts for my life, but will be interested only in doing the things that God would have me to do). Which makes total sense, since I was created to make God's praise glorious. And I <em>was</em> created for Him, although I often operate like He was created for me.<br />
<br />
Thank God that in the midst of Him holding the entire world in His hands, he is still available and willing to spend time with me, filling my heart, mind, and life with His perfect desires. I am a lucky girl!Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-48612514470922188122012-01-24T18:18:00.001-06:002012-01-24T18:19:24.985-06:00Sweeter<strong>Psalm 1119: 102-104</strong><br />
<sup><span style="font-size: x-small;">102</span></sup> I have not departed from Your judgments,<br />
For You Yourself have taught me.<br />
<sup class="versenum" id="en-NKJV-16002">103</sup> How sweet are Your words to my taste,<br />
<i>Sweeter</i> than honey to my mouth!<br />
<br />
I love this song, and wanted to share it. The words bring joy to my heart! Enjoy!!!!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/LP36-yhSA4g?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-5899600294562366452012-01-23T17:08:00.001-06:002012-01-23T17:10:12.926-06:0029 Days of Worship ~ Heartbreaks and Secrets<strong>Proverbs 22:10</strong><br />
<em>Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; </em><br />
<em>quarrels and insults are ended.</em><br />
<br />
I'm the type of person who tries to remain judgment-free in my dealings with others. I don't throw around words like, "stupid", "dumb", "crazy" or "idiotic" too often. I'm not the person who regularly spouts phrases like, "if that happened to me, I would've..." or things like that. I wasn't always this way. I used to be the type of person that had an opinion about EVERYTHING. And normally, the opinion was completely and totally negative. That never really served me well, and when God remade my heart, he left most of the unhelpful foolishness by the wayside (thank Him immensely for this).<br />
<br />
Because of this, when people tell me things about themselves or others, what I'm feeling or thinking is not usually visible on my face, obvious from my speech, of noticeable from my actions. My first response usually goes one of three ways. I will say...<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><ul><li>"Oh no! I am so sorry that happened!"</li>
<li>"Maybe there's more to the story that what you were told. You know, just because people don't confide in you their reasons for doing <em>XYZ</em> doesn't mean they don't have any reasons."</li>
<li>"Well, if you (your friend/the subject of the story) had it to do over again, would you (they) make the same decisions?"</li>
</ul><iframe frameborder="0" height="0" id="stSegmentFrame" name="stSegmentFrame" scrolling="no" src="http://seg.sharethis.com/getSegment.php?purl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fpost-create.g%3FblogID%3D6649436575949641382&jsref=&rnd=1327357838545" style="display: none;" width="0"></iframe> Since I have a track-record with people who know me of being overly-judgmental (I once had a friend tell me, "Mrs. Mocha, I hate telling you stuff, because you judge me too harshly), they might not be so inclined to believe that I've changed so drastically and hesitate to confide in me any situation which portrays them in a bad light. I think this is the deal with one of my oldest and best friends who is currently in the midst of a relationship that seems to be less than ideal. Because she doesn't tell me her secrets, the only way that I know that her relationship is "challenged" is because of the statuses that I see on Face.book which are posted by the woman that my friends seems to sharing her boyfriend with.<br />
<br />
I've written about these three before and I promise...it is sooooo heartbreaking to know that my friend's self-esteem has been reduced to the point that she would allow herself to continue in a relationship where all of her private and personal business becomes fodder for the "other woman" and her FB pals.<br />
<br />
I have spoken to the "other woman" (and posted about it) and tried to impress upon her that I think both women are too good for this guy. Neither seems to be interested in hearing that. I sometimes wonder if it's even about the guy anymore, and they just want to "beat" each other. I mean, the young lady NEVER makes any FB statuses about how the guy is catching hell for being a two-timer. All of her post are directed at my friend. And my friend is the same way. Any negativity she hurls, is always aimed in the direction of the "other woman." I don't know. This is all so...bizarre.<br />
<br />
Granted, I don't know what it's like to date in this era. I've been with Mr. Mocha since 1993, and married him in 1996. I don't know how slim the pickings are out in the dating world. I don't know the new "game" that men try to run on females, but this stuff that is going on with these three, I recognize from 1988. I don't know, I spend a lot of time praying for the two women involved. Separately, they are the sweetest, most giving, most kind, most even-tempered women, but you would never know it by the barbs they throw at one another.<br />
<br />
This situation makes me thankful. Thankful that the hubs is so loyal and faithful to me. Thankful that I met him when I was young, and didn't have the experience of being "dogged out" by one brother after another that some of my friends have been through. Thankful that when I place my heart in the hubby's hand, know he'll protect it and take perfect care of it. Thankful that every (BAD) experience God allowed me to have on the front end of my life paved the way for the decisions that I made later on. Thankful that God has kept me from dangers seen and unseen.<br />
<br />
I'm just praying that these women wake up and begin to see themselves i the way that God sees them...as beautiful and wonderfully made. I pray that they come to know that God didn't bring them here to accept rubbish as gold or urine as rain water. That they know that they don't have to "play themselves" or give up their dignity and pride for love. Love shouldn't have a cost that high. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/05lddfyhf3s?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-67423533851970623782012-01-19T12:16:00.000-06:002012-01-19T12:16:12.282-06:0030 Days of Worship ~ Change in Perspective<strong>Psalm 118:24</strong><br />
<em>This is the day the LORD has made;</em><br />
<em>We will rejoice and be glad in it</em>.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, I went to the RE's office to have (yet more) blood drawn. As I was driving away, my mind started to wander. I started thinking about how much I don't get a "warm-fuzzy" feeling from the doctor's office, even with all of it's beautifully appointed decor. The staff there is sort of aloof and mechanical/robotic. The receptionist always gives me the same fake smile. A different nurse talks to me each time I show up. And the lady who draws my blood (might be the same person each time, might not. I wouldn't know) <strong>NEVER</strong> says anything to me. Not "hello." Not "make a fist." Not "Which arm would you like me take from?" <strong>NOTHING</strong>. She hovers in the background while the nurse is talking, until it's time for her to move in for the kill.<br />
<br />
The nurse who does the talking (again, it's a different one each time) <strong>NEVER</strong> talks to me about what went on (IE: gives results) at the previous appointment. I <strong>ALWAYS</strong> have to remember to ask. The place just feels very...uhm..."assembly line" like.<br />
<br />
So, as I was driving away, I was thinking about how much I don't like that place. I was thinking about how much I hope and pray that I get pregnant before I have to utilize their A.R.T. services. I was thinking about how this is my fourth unpleasant experience with them, and how at this point, it probably wasn't going to get any better. And in the middle of these thoughts, the voice of the Lord spoke to me. He said, "have you ever thought to see the blessing in XYZ Clinic?" And without further ado, I began to praise God.<br />
<br />
I began to praise God, because I am blessed enough to live in one of he few states that has mandated the insurance policies to cover fertility treatment. So, when I go to the office and am treated less than solicitously, the cost for the services do not come from my pocket. I am blessed, because my husband works for a company that meets he guidelines to have A.R.T. covered, including IVF with GIFT, ZIFT, donor eggs and the like. I am blessed, because some people have waited <strong>YEARS</strong> to get to step I'm on, and I'm only on cycle #9. I am blessed, because some people seek treatment with the hope of becoming a mom, and I am already the mom to two gorgeous and healthy children. I am blessed to have this experience. Even if I'm only having this experience to make me more compassionate to the plight of others in a similar situation, I'm blessed.<br />
<br />
I'm a so thankful that God made me get out of "self-pity" mode, and pay attention to the big picture. Really, the fact that the lady who draws the blood doesn't talk is immaterial. the fact that there is a different nurse every time doesn't matter. The knowledge that I have to write and questions down, and remember to ask them to get the information is beside the point. The most important thing is that I appreciate the experience and get out of it what God has intended.<br />
<br />
Please Lord, help me be open to getting what you would have me to get from this experience...whatever it may be. I'm (finally) ready to be used.<br />
<iframe frameborder="0" height="0" id="stSegmentFrame" name="stSegmentFrame" scrolling="no" src="http://seg.sharethis.com/getSegment.php?purl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fpost-create.g%3FblogID%3D6649436575949641382&jsref=&rnd=1326995201435" style="display: none;" width="0"></iframe>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-58736678609108509932012-01-18T23:31:00.000-06:002012-01-18T23:31:18.928-06:0031 Days of Worship ~ Celebrating and Sympathy<strong>Philippians 4:8</strong><br />
<em>Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is <b>true</b>, whatever is noble, </em><br />
<em>whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,</em><br />
<em>whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy</em><br />
<em>—think about such things</em>.<br />
A few months ago, a sweet friend of mine informed me that she was pregnant. This information stung for a few reasons. The first being that I was trying LONG before she even considered trying. A second being that the last time she announced a pregnancy to me, I was celebrating my own pregnancy with K.20. Another being that she got pregnant very quickly. And a fourth being that she is older than I am.<br />
<br />
The information wasn't delivered in a nasty way, or with any malice whatsoever, but still...it stung. However, I was able to offer her congratulations, and as I conveyed the words, I actually felt my heart begin to change. I actually was happy for her and her husband. I actually meant what I said about praying with them, that they would add a precious daughter to their brood of 3 little boys.<br />
<br />
During the weeks since her announcement, I have thought about her often. I have prayed for her, while at the same time I tried to "catch up" with her. Thinking that went something along the lines of, "if I get pregnant this month, the baby will only be five weeks younger than her baby." "If I get pregnant this month, my baby will only be nine weeks younger than her baby." And so on.<br />
<br />
Well, about nine days ago, I received a message from her that she had suffered a miscarriage at 12 weeks and 2 days. My heart broke for my lovely friend and her husband. They are wonderful parents, who love and cherish each of their three boys. She was sooooo excited about the possibility of finally having her much anticipated little girl. I mourned for her. And the Lord impressed upon me that if I had not let go of my envy about her pregnancy when I received the news and truly been happy for her, I wouldn't have been able to truly mourn her loss.<br />
<br />
I thank God for the gifts of celebrating others and sympathizing with others. It's so important to spend some time outside of the world that is "Mrs. Mocha" and acknowledge that for all of my busyness, other people have lives going on, as well. A bible study teacher once told me, "every face that you look into, belongs to an important person to God." Life is about more than me, and when I get pregnant, and if I get pregnant. Sometimes, it takes a "little shake" to wake you up. Sometimes, it takes a JOLT.<iframe frameborder="0" height="0" id="stSegmentFrame" name="stSegmentFrame" scrolling="no" src="http://seg.sharethis.com/getSegment.php?purl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fpost-create.g%3FblogID%3D6649436575949641382&jsref=&rnd=1326658070395" style="display: none;" width="0"></iframe><br />
<div class="stwrapper" id="stwrapper" style="left: -999px; top: -999px; visibility: hidden;"><div class="stclose"></div></div>Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-45029433607666370192012-01-16T23:17:00.001-06:002012-01-16T23:19:25.892-06:0032 Days of Worship ~ Blissful Ignorance<strong>Ecclesiastes 1:18</strong><br />
<em>For in much wisdom is much grief, </em><br />
<em>And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow</em><br />
<br />
When I was trying to get pregnant with my daughter, K, I knew absolutely nothing about the "business" of procreation. What I knew was that, you had sex, a sperm fertilized an egg, and you got pregnant. With this is mind, I went about the business of making a baby. It took 6 months. 6 long and somewhat stressful months, but eventually the sperm fertilized the egg and I was pregnant.<br />
<br />
When I was trying to conceive K2.0, I had a <em>little</em> more knowledge. Not much, but a little more. I had read somewhere that you were supposed to count back 14 days from when your period started, and that was the day that you ovulated. With that information in hand, I went about the business of making a baby. It took 6 months. 6 long and somewhat stressful months, but eventually the sperm fertilized the egg and I was pregnant.<br />
<br />
For some reason, this time around I have armed myself with enough information to write a manual. I know all about OPKs, BBTs, CM, EWCM, supplements, sexual positions, IUIS, IVFs, donor eggs, PCOS, and all kinds of things that I never considered or imagined existed. For all intents and purposes, I used to operate in life like a "Fertile." (I never knew that term could be considered a "Slur" or an insult until I started blogging). After <strike>too much</strike> research, I feel like I began to operate like somebody else.<br />
<br />
My hope began to fade, and after a few months of trying I started to seriously consider infertility treatments. Thoughts of my own infertility and inability to get pregnant bombarded me every day. Even when the months were passing, and I was marking the days off the calendars while trying for my two children, I never considered this. I <strong>NEVER</strong> once thought that I <strong>couldn't</strong> get pregnant. I didn't live in a world where that was a possibility. I lived in a world where "it just hadn't happened, yet."<br />
<br />
Well, I've decided to take up residence back in my old neighborhood. I don't like living in the place where I live, now. It's not comfortable, and more importantly, <strong>I DON'T BELONG HERE</strong>!!!! I'm a happy, positive, faith-filled, hopeful person, who knows that the Lord has a plan for her. I am not a mopey, pouty, sad, depressed, fearful, worried, shattered, bitter person. I thought that arming myself with all of the information that I could about conception and fertility would help me, and give me more control. I have found that having this information has made me histrionic, stressed, mean, snappy, unhappy, forceful, obsessed, and moody.<br />
<br />
God has my back. He is in my corner. And if I'm waiting for Him...then there's no way that I'm wasting time. So, I'm taking back my happiness, my contentment, my ability to rest in Him, my patience, my temperance, my faith, my hope, and my joy. Everything happens for a reason, and in it's season. It might sound cliche to some, but for me, it's the truth as I know it. I CHOOSE not to participate in self-pity, and "woe is me" type thinking anymore.<br />
<br />
Whatever God has in store for me, I'm excited to walk into it (whether it includes more children or not). And any thoughts that don't line themselves up with the word of God as I know it to be evidenced in my life can go straight to hell!<br />
<div class="stwrapper" id="stwrapper" style="left: -999px; top: -999px; visibility: hidden;"><div class="stclose"> </div></div> Will the <em>real</em> Mrs. Mocha, please stand up?????Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-77191823909820447872012-01-15T14:01:00.001-06:002012-01-15T14:02:37.421-06:0033 Days of Worship ~ Battered Faith<strong>Luke 1:45</strong><br />
<em>Blessed is she who has believed</em><br />
<em>that what the Lord has said to her</em><br />
<em>will be accomplished.</em><br />
<br />
So, I am a member of a forum on one of the TTC message boards. And each day I chat with other women who are trying to conceive, or who have conceived. Some of these women are already moms, most are not. Some women were there when I joined, some have joined after me. But every month we chat and chat while we wait to see if "this" month will be the month that each/any/one/all of us have our prayers answered and get that BFP.<br />
<br />
Month after month this game has played out. I've been playing way longer than I ever thought I would when I originally started TTC 8 cycles ago. And frankly, I'm very close to quitting this "game." <br />
<br />
Typically, I am the type of person who loves to be encouraging and motivating and positive, but I find it increasingly difficult the longer that my wait goes on. And logically, I know that there are a few reasons for that. The main is that I'm simply feeling entitled. I love the Lord. I work really hard to make sure that my life reflects exactly what I say that I believe, I'm a praiser and a worshiper, and somewhere along the long, I've decided that I should be rewarded for that by God, with answered prayers. It's so juvenile, but sometimes I really feel this way. I have taken to constantly quoting <em>Romans 12:3 ~ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: <strong>Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought</strong>, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.</em> It seems to be working...a little (LOL).<br />
<br />
I don't want my faith and love for my Lord to be conditionally based on whether or not I can rest in the fact that my prayer has been answered. I want to be faithful regardless, but right now, to be completely transparent, I am struggling.<br />
<br />
Not on every forefront. Not in every circumstance. But certainly in the world of reproduction and procreation. I find it increasingly difficult to get hyped up every month. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get back on the horse each month. My spirit is so low, and my faith is tattered in this arena. I've been referred to the RE, but even this doesn't give me much in the way of hope. I've read too many blog posts about failed IVFs and IUIs. Each month, when I start my period, and I pull out those Stay.free with wings, I feel like I have to piece my faith together like a quilt, with so many mis-matched squares, from answered prayers and dream come trues from my past, but none recent.<br />
<br />
Of course the Holy Spirit has given me the same word over and over, again. it's come from tapes, and tele-vangelist, and sorts of places...<em>Romans 10:17 ~ So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.</em><br />
<br />
This is why I've recommitted to finishing out my "Days of Worship." This requires that I sent time with the Lord, in his word. This requires me sort out the truths and untruths of what's going on in my life. It forces me to get out of my emotions, and deal with the facts. And the fact is just what is stated in <em>Hebrews 13:8 ~ Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever</em>. Al of the moping, whining, and pouting in the world isn't gonna change that. I think if anything is gonna change, it's gonna have to be my outlook.<br />
<br />
Sorry if this is not an "uplifting" post. This is the main reason that I haven't been writing. I just don't feel that I have anything positive or good to share right now. But I also know that I have to press through this, because thoughts will follow actions. So, this is me...pressing on. (smile)Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-55507142958703925502012-01-13T23:26:00.000-06:002012-01-15T13:30:39.174-06:00Days of WorshipOh my goodness!!<br />
<br />
Happy New Year and all of that good stuff. It's been sooooo long since I've written on my own blog, though I do read the blogs of others daily.<br />
<br />
I never imagined when I started the "40 Days of Worship" series that it would be so difficult for me to write. When I started, I was so motivated and moved. I can't really pinpoint the cause of my lack of consistency. Then again, maybe I can and just don't want to admit it to myself. Whatever the case, I'm back on the scene. I will get through these remaining days, because there is <strong>ALWAYS</strong> a reason to worship God.<br />
<br />
Let's get it!!!!Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-68954051397523103542011-12-14T12:03:00.001-06:002011-12-14T12:32:20.793-06:0034 Days of Worship ~ Emotional Maturity<a href="http://www.blogger.com/passage/?search=Proverbs+14:30&version=MSG"><strong><span style="color: black;">Proverbs 14:30</span></strong></a><br />
<em>A sound mind makes for a robust body,</em><br />
<em>but runaway <b>emotions</b> corrode the bones.</em><br />
<span class="keywordresultextras"> </span><br />
<span class="keywordresultextras"> Even though I know better, I have to admit that there are times that I completely deal in emotion. I whine (mostly internally, because I</span> don't like to complain verbally) about how I feel like blah blah blah is wrong, or unfair, or taking too long, or hurting my feelings, or stupid, or frustrating, or scary, or stressful, or nervous-making or whatever.<iframe frameborder="0" height="0" id="stSegmentFrame" name="stSegmentFrame" scrolling="no" src="http://seg.sharethis.com/getSegment.php?purl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.blogger.com%2Fpost-create.g%3FblogID%3D6649436575949641382&jsref=&rnd=1323883384295" style="display: none;" width="0"></iframe> I pout, and/or get an attitude because some external need is not being met, and it's causing an uncomfortable internal longing.<br />
<br />
It's almost humorous to me to admit this, because I'm the first mother in town to remind K that, "I don't care how she feels, she'd better (fill in the blank)!" And I know that as our "heavenly" parent, God must be just as frustrated with us, when we lament to Him about how we feel let-down. How we're disappointed. How we're angry. How we're tired. How we've been used and abused and put-upon. How we feel lonely. Unloved. Unworthy. Impatient. Misunderstood. Taken for granted. I mean, God gave us emotions and feelings. In all of His all-knowingness, He certainly could've chosen not to burden us with these things, but He didn't. So, emotions do serve a person. They allow us to connect with one another, and I'm sure, help to put us on the path to our purpose here on earth.<br />
<br />
I mean, I'm not a big fan of animals. If everybody was like me, there wouldn't be any on the earth. So, thank God that He gave some people the feeling of compassion for hurt hamsters, and lizards that aren't slimy, but are supposed to be. Listening to people lament about their problems month after month, year after year would drive me to <strong>a.)</strong> drink <strong>b</strong>,) say something really mean<strong> c</strong>.) stop paying attention. But others were called to be counselors/psychologist/psychiatrist and they have a compassion for people who can't work through their issues without some guidance. God is MARVELOUS. He orchestrated all of this.<br />
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So, God definitely has a plan for our emotions/feelings. I think the problem is that sometimes, I tend to...linger. Like, I've known that K's tuition has to be paid in full by 4/15/12 in order for her to participate in all of the senior activities at school. I've known this since freshman year, but more importantly, I went into this school year knowing this. And I've had a rough plan for how the hubby and I would get this done. It's been a challenge since I left my job last year when I was preggers with K2.0. So, we started this year off in arrears, but still, I've had this rough plan in my head. Well, lo and behold another parent that I'm friends with called me the other day to "chat." She opened the chat with, "You know we have to be paid up by 4/15/12, right?" ever since then, I've been consumed with how we're gonna get caught up by then. I've been fearful, and snapping at people. I've been nervous and even somewhat down about coming up with this money. Why? This wasn't news to me. I was well aware of the financial deadline.<br />
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So, then I started <strike>constantly</strike> telling God about all of my problems. How I don't have this money. How K won't be able to graduate. How Christmas is gonna be a bust. How I'm not pregnant. How the hubby is being stingy with the loving. How my feelings are hurt, because the hubby isn't tackling me for sex (like he used to). How I wanna be pregnant. Blah Blah Blah. <br />
And the Lord is like, "seriously, Mrs. Mocha? After I hung the stars and laid the foundation? After I sent my son to die on Calvary?After I breathed breath into your mom & dad, who in turn breathed breath into you? After I gave you a good, loyal, hard-working, faithful, caring, funny, sweetheart of a man as a husband? After I've given you not 1, but 2 beautiful children, both with medial conditions that haven't affected them in the least? After I've let the girl have three fabulous years at the school you knew you could barely afford the day you enrolled her? After you've never not had a place to live, or food on your table? After I've given your husband that position in the company and he's one of the FEW who doesn't have a corresponding degree? Come on, Mrs. Mocha. Seriously?" <br />
And foolish me, I'm like, "yes, God. Thank You for all of that, but I still don't have these things that I consider important."<br />
Then God deals with me, the same way that I deal with K. "Mrs. Mocha, you can't want to be treated like a big girl, and still be a baby, too. You'd better appreciate what you have, and stop crying in my face about how you feel. How you feel has nothing to do with it."<br />
And I go, "but God..."<br />
And He goes, "This conversation is over!" The same way that I say it to K.<br />
And I sit with that for a while and sheepishly realize that He's right. How I feel has nothing to do with it. I need to do what I need to to, because it needs to be done. If I only did what I "feel" like doing, I would spend my days watching t.v., eating cheesecake brownie ice cream and surfing the web. That doesn't get the job done. And since I work for the kingdom, I need to make sure that I always put my best foot forward, and that my works represents the One who sent me.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6649436575949641382.post-74933698842869524802011-12-12T14:37:00.000-06:002011-12-13T13:36:34.461-06:0035 Days of Worship ~ Grace<strong><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2 Corinthians+12:9&version=NKJV"><span style="color: black;">2 Corinthians 12:9</span></a></strong><br />
<em>And He said to me, </em><br />
<em>“My <strong>grace</strong> is sufficient for you,</em><br />
<em>for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”</em><br />
<em>Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities,</em><br />
<em>that the power of Christ may rest upon me.</em><br />
<span class="keywordresultextras"><a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2 Corinthians+12:8-10&version=NKJV"></a></span><br />
<em> </em>There's been a lot going on with me as of late<em>. </em>Of course, there's a lot going on with most everybody, and I do realize that. Still, that doesn't lessen the weight of the things in my life that are happening. I've been a little bit of a "funk" ever since November. Actually, ever since I got my period in November. Normally, when I get my cycle, I think to myself "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's God's purpose that prevails." I was all prepared to think that last month, too, but I think the holiday through me for a little loop. So, a "funk" was gonna come. However, I don't think the "funk" would have been as "long-lasting" if I hadn't received news from a friend that she's pregnant.<br />
<br />
Now, generally I'm not one to begrudge a friend (or a stranger even) a pregnancy. I mean, I've had two of my own, and think every woman who wants to have children should be able to do so. Also, I absolutely DESPISE it when I see/read people "hating" on others for getting pregnant. But this announcement really stung for a couple of reasons...<br />
<ol><li>This friend is older than me (which should probably give me hope, as opposed to giving me "pause").</li>
<li>This friend has been trying for a fraction of the amount of time that I've been trying.</li>
<li>This friend wasn't even sure that she wanted baby #4, until I mentioned that the Hubby and I were trying for baby #3.</li>
<li>The last time she announced a pregnancy to me was in February of 2010. 5 days later, I got my BFP. So, everything was all good. This time, she announced a pregnancy to me and I got...my cycle. Everything was all JACKED!!!!!!</li>
</ol> I have to admit, #4 was probably the biggest kicker, and the main reason for the "funk." I have tried to move passed this disappointment with diligence, commitment, and fortitude. But it has been soooooo hard. Several times, I have thought about just throwing in the towel and forgetting all about the elusive baby #3. I mean, the hubby is barely on board, K is graduating high school in May 2012, the baby is getting older and I feel like I'm not enjoying anything about this process whatsoever (outside of the OUTSTANDING sex hahahahahahahahaha). <br />
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So, I had the one billionth conversation with the Lord about this "TTC" thing. I pleaded my case to the Lord. I begged. I ran down my resume. I reminded Him of the times (rare though there they were in this human vessel) when I was obedient. I talked a good game. I smiled through the pain and disappointment. I laughed, and continued to live. But inside, deep, where only He can see, I was very much bruised. And sore. And discouraged. So finally, He said, "Mrs. Mocha, my grace is sufficient for you." And a weird thing happened, I agreed with Him. He was right.<br />
<br />
I thought back to all of the times in my life when I wanted to give up. Like when the money didn't come through for me to go back to school after my first year of college. Like when the medical personnel gave me the diagnosis for my daughter. Like ( 5 years into marriage) when I knew that I had to leave my husband. Like when we just couldn't afford parochial school for K anymore, and she had to transfer to public school. Like (10 years into the marriage) when I knew I had to leave my husband. Like when the hubby got laid off after 13 years at the company, 9 days before I found out I was expecting K2.0. Like when the medical personal gave me the diagnosis for my son. And I remember how everything worked itself out. I remember how God's grace sustained me. How's God's grace nourished me. How God's grace kept my mind, and didn't allow depression to swallow me whole. <br />
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God's grace has allowed me to have a Mariah Carey "Shake it Off" mentality. it doesn't happen instantaneously. Bad situations present, and I don't break into song. Sometimes, I allow myself to fixate on problems, and stressors, and unfortunate circumstances, but I don't stay there too long. God's grace gives me my swag back after a while. God's grace reminds me that He's working behind the scenes. It reminds me that He's never forsaken me. It reminds me that I can have a faith that might appear cocky to some. But it's not cockiness...it's me boasting about my infirmities, that God's power might rest upon me.Mrs. Mochahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04728025498421323055noreply@blogger.com0