Monday, August 29, 2011

A Spoonful of Sugar

Proverbs 14:10

The heart knows its own bitterness,
 And a stranger does not share its joy.

     One thing I have no interest in bitter. I'm cool with being mad, angry, upset, disappointed, and disillusioned. But not bitter. I won't be bitter.

     I had a really terrible pregnancy with my daughter. I had miserable morning sickness that lasted from sun up to day's end, and kept me over the toilet, over the trash can, over the curb, over the grass, over whatever, throwing up constantly. The only time I ever felt good and/or "normal" was when I was asleep. This was all exacerbated by the fact that I was young, selfish, self-centered and spoiled. So, I went out of my way to make sure that those closest to me, suffered right along with me. And this was not relegated to family. Co-workers, commuters, the check-out girl, whoever. They all got to experience (and even take part in) my misery.

     After I gave birth, the picture that I painted of my pregnancy was a VERY grim one. So grim, in fact, that I had NO desire to ever repeat it, inspite of the fact that my husband DESPERATELY wanted more kids. As far as I was concerned, that was his business. He was more than welcomed to find a new wife who would make those dreams come true for him. I was NOT interested. (See, I told you...SELFISH).

     Years later (probably 10 or 11 years into our marriage) after the Lord had done a MAJOR work repairing (and in some cases rebuilding) my heart, and mind, I opened myself up to the idea of expanding our family. I mean in the 12 or 13 years since my daughter had come, I had slightly  (at times) entertained the idea of other children. Secretly, I hoped to "accidentally" get pregnant. (Here's the thing: I had worked hard to get pregnant with my daughter. It took six months of charting and timing and scheduling BD and such. Then, after such hard work to have such overwhelming morning sickness really felt like a slap in the face to me. I felt like such a fool for having prayed and WORKED hard to endure the misery that I was enduring. To basically have brought HELL to my own doorstep.) So, in my mind, if I got pregnant "accidentally", then I wouldn't be the one who brought hell to would just be like, "that's the way the cookie crumbles." I know. I know. Profoundly WEIRD.

     Anyway, turns out that I'm not one of those people who gets pregnant on "accident." After 12 years of marriage and sporadic sex, I had never missed another period. I realized that if I really wanted to get pregnant again, I was going to have to work at it again. But before I started, I had a talk with Jesus. I explained that while I wanted another child (as I did not want my daughter to be left "alone" on the earth if something were to happen to my husband and myself), I was gonna be just as fine if she was the only one He chose to bless us with. I assured the Lord that I was happy with K (the daughter) and I was gonna enjoy her to the fullest whether she was our only or the first of many.

     And that's where I'm trying to get back to, now. I want to feel that I will be just as happy if  K2.0 (the son) is the last addition, as I would if he was the middle child, or the 2nd of 4 children. I wanna be happy with what I have, rather than mourning for what I don't have. I wanna enjoy K2.0 to the fullest. I wanna enjoy his toothless grin, the baby "chub" that encompasses his thighs and forearms, his squeals, his attempts at balancing himself as he holds on to the sofa with one hand, the way he whines for the bottle / sippy cup, the way his head snuggles into my neck so perfectly, and how when I hold him, he wraps his tiny arms around me and "holds" me back. I wanna enjoy his babyhood, and not be obsessed with creating a baby that my husband and I may never create. I wanna be all right in the  "right now."

     And I think I'm on my way.

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