Sunday, August 21, 2011

I Don't Know What I'm Saying

Romans 8:26 & 27
26 In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.
We do not know what we ought to pray for,
but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.
27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit,
because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people
in accordance with the will of God.

As I've attested to in an earlier post, right after I had my son, I fell into a bit of a funk. A depression, even. I was at a low point. And during this low point, I was in need of a serious life raft. Something concrete and tangible that I could hold on to and be saved from the abyss which had become my life. At the time, I felt like the life saver should be a third child.

It was the perfect plan. I could get a "do-over" on all of the things that went "wrong" with our son's birth. Like, the NICU stay, the unwanted/unexpected diagnosis, the hundreds of follow-up doctor appointments. Everything. So, I jumped right into trying to conceive again. January became February became March, April, May, June and July. Now, here I am in August and I'm realizing how very GOOD God actually is.

Me having a baby in those earlier months would have been a TOTAL and COMPLETE disaster. I mean, how can you go back and change a birth story? You can't. It is what it is. It's just one of those situations in life that you get what you get. Plus, I was reading an Infertile's blog (forget which one) and her post said that someone asked her did she have her baby to have the perfect birth plan, where everything went right and exactly as she planned it, or did she have her baby for another reason.

That REALLY struck a nerve with me. My daughter's birth was a NIGHTMARE, where I sincerely thought that the hospital staff was in a conspiracy to kill her. NOTHING went as I would have envisioned or even liked. But at the time, I was just happy to get out of there with a "live" baby.  My son's birth was a much better experience. As a matter of fact, everything was PERFECT until the NICU stay. Truth be told (and accepted), I'm probably never gonna have a the DREAM birthing experience. But I do have the DREAM children.

So now, I'm finally REALLY ready to add to my family. It's no longer about "recreating" an experience. It's about creating a family. Building on the love that we already have, with another piece of the puzzle that I truly feel is missing. I don't believe my family is complete. It's simply WONDERFUL, FABULOUS and DIVINE...but it's not complete. I still have work to do, but thank God I'm working for the right reasons now.

And thank God that He knew that I wasn't ready...even though I really thought I was. Now, as I look back on the months that have passed in 2011 without me getting pregnant, I don't have to feel disappointment. Honestly, what I feel is relief. Relief  that I'm not eight or nine months pregnant right now (as I REALLY thought I wanted to be) with a ten month old who isn't walking, and only recently started crawling. Thank God, that He met my need with more of HIM, and not with what I was "foolishly" praying for. Thank God that He, in His all-knowingness, understood that I needed time to heal from, and even time to grieve what I felt was taken from me. Thank God that the Holy Spirit was interceding for me. Thank God that my latter days will be better than my former.

Thank God.

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