Sunday, January 15, 2012

33 Days of Worship ~ Battered Faith

Luke 1:45
Blessed is she who has believed
that what the Lord has said to her
will be accomplished.

     So, I am a member of a forum on one of the TTC message boards. And each day I chat with other women who are trying to conceive, or who have conceived. Some of these women are already moms, most are not. Some women were there when I joined, some have joined after me. But every month we chat and chat while we wait to see if "this" month will be the month that each/any/one/all of us have our prayers answered and get that BFP.

     Month after month this game has played out. I've been playing way longer than I ever thought I would when I originally started TTC 8 cycles ago. And frankly, I'm very close to quitting this "game."

     Typically, I am the type of person who loves to be encouraging and motivating and positive, but I find it increasingly difficult the longer that my wait goes on. And logically, I know that there are a few reasons for that. The main is that I'm simply feeling entitled. I love the Lord. I work really hard to make sure that my life reflects exactly what I say that I believe, I'm a praiser and a worshiper, and somewhere along the long, I've decided that I should be rewarded for that by God, with answered prayers. It's so juvenile, but sometimes I really feel this way. I have taken to constantly quoting Romans 12:3 ~ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.  It seems to be working...a little (LOL).

     I don't want my faith and love for my Lord to be conditionally based on whether or not I can rest in the fact that my prayer has been answered. I want to be faithful regardless, but right now, to be completely transparent, I am struggling.

     Not on every forefront. Not in every circumstance. But certainly in the world of reproduction and procreation. I find it increasingly difficult to get hyped up every month. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to get back on the horse each month. My spirit is so low, and my faith is tattered in this arena. I've been referred to the RE, but even this doesn't give me much in the way of hope. I've read too many blog posts about failed IVFs and IUIs.  Each month, when I start my period, and I pull out those with wings, I feel like I have to piece my faith together like a quilt, with so many mis-matched squares, from answered prayers and dream come trues from my past, but none recent.

     Of course the Holy Spirit has given me the same word over and over, again. it's come from tapes, and tele-vangelist, and sorts of places...Romans 10:17 ~ So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

     This is why I've recommitted to finishing out my "Days of Worship." This requires that I sent time with the Lord, in his word. This requires me sort out the truths and untruths of what's going on in my life. It forces me to get out of my emotions, and deal with the facts. And the fact is just what is stated in Hebrews 13:8 ~ Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Al of the moping, whining, and pouting in the world isn't gonna change that. I think if anything is gonna change, it's gonna have to be my outlook.

     Sorry if this is not an "uplifting" post. This is the main reason that I haven't been writing. I just don't feel that I have anything positive or good to share right now. But I also know that I have to press through this, because thoughts will follow actions. So, this is me...pressing on. (smile)

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