Monday, January 16, 2012

32 Days of Worship ~ Blissful Ignorance

Ecclesiastes 1:18
For in much wisdom is much grief,
And he who increases knowledge increases sorrow

     When I was trying to get pregnant with my daughter, K, I knew absolutely nothing about the "business" of procreation. What I knew was that, you had sex, a sperm fertilized an egg, and you got pregnant. With this is mind, I went about the business of making a baby. It took 6 months. 6 long and somewhat stressful months, but eventually the sperm fertilized the egg and I was pregnant.

      When I was trying to conceive K2.0, I had a little more knowledge. Not much, but a little more. I had read somewhere that you were supposed to count back 14 days from when your period started, and that was the day that you ovulated. With that information in hand, I went about the business of making a baby. It took 6 months. 6 long and somewhat stressful months, but eventually the sperm fertilized the egg and I was pregnant.

     For some reason, this time around I have armed myself with enough information to write a manual. I know all about OPKs, BBTs, CM, EWCM, supplements, sexual positions, IUIS, IVFs, donor eggs, PCOS, and all kinds of things that I never considered or imagined existed. For all intents and purposes, I used to operate in life like a "Fertile." (I never knew that term could be considered a "Slur" or an insult until I started blogging). After too much research, I feel like I began to operate like somebody else.

     My hope began to fade, and after a few months of trying I started to seriously consider infertility treatments. Thoughts of my own infertility and inability to get pregnant bombarded me every day. Even when the months were passing, and I was marking the days off the calendars while trying for my two children, I never considered this. I NEVER once thought that I couldn't get pregnant. I didn't live in a world where that was a possibility. I lived in a world where "it just hadn't happened, yet."

     Well, I've decided to take up residence back in my old neighborhood. I don't like living in the place where I live, now. It's not comfortable, and more importantly, I DON'T BELONG HERE!!!! I'm a happy, positive, faith-filled, hopeful person, who knows that the Lord has a plan for her. I am not a mopey, pouty, sad, depressed, fearful, worried, shattered, bitter person. I thought that arming myself with all of the information that I could about conception and fertility would help me, and give me more control. I have found that having this information has made me histrionic, stressed, mean, snappy, unhappy, forceful, obsessed, and moody.

     God has my back. He is in my corner. And if I'm waiting for Him...then there's no way that I'm wasting time. So, I'm taking back my happiness, my contentment, my ability to rest in Him, my patience, my temperance, my faith, my hope, and my joy. Everything happens for a reason, and in it's season. It might sound cliche to some, but for me, it's the truth as I know it. I CHOOSE not to participate in self-pity, and "woe is me" type thinking anymore.

     Whatever God has in store for me, I'm excited to walk into it (whether it includes more children or not). And any thoughts that don't line themselves up with the word of God as I know it to be evidenced in my life can go straight to hell!
     Will the real Mrs. Mocha, please stand up?????

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