34 Days of Worship ~ Emotional Maturity

Proverbs 14:30
A sound mind makes for a robust body,
but runaway emotions corrode the bones.
    
     Even though I know better, I have to admit that there are times that I completely deal in emotion. I whine (mostly internally, because I don't like to complain verbally) about how I feel like blah blah blah is wrong, or unfair, or taking too long, or hurting my feelings, or stupid, or frustrating, or scary, or stressful, or nervous-making or whatever. I pout, and/or get an attitude because some external need is not being met, and it's causing an uncomfortable internal longing.

     It's almost humorous to me to admit this, because I'm the first mother in town to remind K that, "I don't care how she feels, she'd better (fill in the blank)!" And I know that as our "heavenly" parent, God must be just as frustrated with us, when we lament to Him about how we feel let-down. How we're disappointed. How we're angry. How we're tired. How we've been used and abused and put-upon. How we feel lonely. Unloved. Unworthy. Impatient. Misunderstood. Taken for granted. I mean, God gave us emotions and feelings. In all of His all-knowingness, He certainly could've chosen not to burden us with these things, but He didn't. So, emotions do serve a person. They allow us to connect with one another, and I'm sure, help to put us on the path to our purpose here on earth.

     I mean, I'm not a big fan of animals. If everybody was like me, there wouldn't be any on the earth. So, thank God that He gave some people the feeling of compassion for hurt hamsters, and lizards that aren't slimy, but are supposed to be. Listening to people lament about their problems month after month, year after year would drive me to a.) drink b,) say something really mean c.) stop paying attention. But others were called to be counselors/psychologist/psychiatrist and they have a compassion for people who can't work through their issues without some guidance. God is MARVELOUS. He orchestrated all of this.

     So, God definitely has a plan for our emotions/feelings. I think the problem is that sometimes, I tend to...linger. Like, I've known that K's tuition has to be paid in full by 4/15/12 in order for her to participate in all of the senior activities at school. I've known this since freshman year, but more importantly, I went into this school year knowing this. And I've had a rough plan for how the hubby and I would get this done. It's been a challenge since I left my job last year when I was preggers with K2.0. So, we started this year off in arrears, but still, I've had this rough plan in my head. Well, lo and behold another parent that I'm friends with called me the other day to "chat." She opened the chat with, "You know we have to be paid up by 4/15/12, right?" ever since then, I've been consumed with how we're gonna get caught up by then. I've been fearful, and snapping at people. I've been nervous and even somewhat down about coming up with this money. Why? This wasn't news to me. I was well aware of the financial deadline.

     So, then I started constantly telling God about all of my problems. How I don't have this money. How K won't be able to graduate. How Christmas is gonna be a bust. How I'm not pregnant. How the hubby is being stingy with the loving. How my feelings are hurt, because the hubby isn't tackling me for sex (like he used to). How I wanna be pregnant. Blah Blah Blah.
And the Lord is like, "seriously, Mrs. Mocha? After I hung the stars and laid the foundation? After I sent my son to die on Calvary?After I breathed breath into your mom & dad, who in turn breathed breath into you? After I gave you a good, loyal, hard-working, faithful, caring, funny, sweetheart of a man as a husband? After I've given you not 1, but 2 beautiful children, both with medial conditions that haven't affected them in the least? After I've let the girl have three fabulous years at the school you knew you could barely afford the day you enrolled her? After you've never not had a place to live, or food on your table? After I've given your husband that position in the company and he's one of the FEW who doesn't have a corresponding degree? Come on, Mrs. Mocha. Seriously?"
And foolish me, I'm like, "yes, God. Thank You for all of that, but I still don't have these things that I consider important."
 Then God deals with me, the same way that I deal with K. "Mrs. Mocha, you can't want to be treated like a big girl, and still be a baby, too. You'd better appreciate what you have, and stop crying in my face about how you feel. How you feel has nothing to do with it."
And I go, "but God..."
And He goes, "This conversation is over!" The same way that I say it to K.
And I sit with that for a while and sheepishly realize that He's right. How I feel has nothing to do with it. I need to do what I need to to, because it needs to be done. If I only did what I "feel" like doing, I would spend my days watching t.v., eating cheesecake brownie ice cream and surfing the web. That doesn't get the job done. And since I work for the kingdom, I need to make sure that I always put my best foot forward, and that my works represents the One who sent me.

35 Days of Worship ~ Grace

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He said to me,
“My grace is sufficient for you,
for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”
Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

     There's been a lot going on with me as of late. Of course, there's a lot going on with most everybody, and I do realize that. Still, that doesn't lessen the weight of the things in my life that are happening. I've been a little bit of a "funk" ever since November. Actually, ever since I got my period in November. Normally, when I get my cycle, I think to myself "many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's God's purpose that prevails." I was all prepared to think that last month, too, but I think the holiday through me for a little loop. So, a "funk" was gonna come. However, I don't think the "funk" would have been as "long-lasting" if I hadn't received news from a friend that she's pregnant.
    
     Now, generally I'm not one to begrudge a friend (or a stranger even) a pregnancy. I mean, I've had two of my own, and think every woman who wants to have children should be able to do so. Also, I absolutely DESPISE it when I see/read people "hating" on others for getting pregnant. But this announcement really stung for a couple of reasons...

1. This friend is older than me (which should probably give me hope, as opposed to giving me "pause").
2. This friend has been trying for a fraction of the amount of time that I've been trying.
3. This friend wasn't even sure that she wanted baby #4, until I mentioned that the Hubby and I were trying for baby #3.
4. The last time she announced a pregnancy to me was in February of 2010. 5 days later, I got my BFP. So, everything was all good. This time, she announced a pregnancy to me and I got...my cycle. Everything was all JACKED!!!!!!

     I have to admit, #4 was probably the biggest kicker, and the main reason for the "funk." I have tried to move passed this disappointment with diligence, commitment, and fortitude. But it has been soooooo hard. Several times, I have thought about just throwing in the towel and forgetting all about the elusive baby #3. I mean, the hubby is barely on board, K is graduating high school in May 2012, the baby is getting older and I feel like I'm not enjoying anything about this process whatsoever (outside of the OUTSTANDING sex hahahahahahahahaha).

     So, I had the one billionth conversation with the Lord about this "TTC" thing. I pleaded my case to the Lord. I begged. I ran down my resume. I reminded Him of the times (rare though there they were in this human vessel) when I was obedient. I talked a good game. I smiled through the pain and disappointment. I laughed, and continued to live. But inside, deep, where only He can see, I was very much bruised. And sore. And discouraged. So finally, He said, "Mrs. Mocha, my grace is sufficient for you." And a weird thing happened, I agreed with Him. He was right.

     I thought back to all of the times in my life when I wanted to give up. Like when the money didn't come through for me to go back to school after my first year of college. Like when the medical personnel gave me the diagnosis for my daughter. Like ( 5 years into marriage) when I knew that I had to leave my husband. Like when we just couldn't afford parochial school for K anymore, and she had to transfer to public school. Like (10 years into the marriage) when I knew I had to leave my husband. Like when the hubby got laid off after 13 years at the company, 9 days before I found out I was expecting K2.0. Like when the medical personal gave me the diagnosis for my son. And I remember how everything worked itself out. I remember how God's grace sustained me. How's God's grace nourished me. How God's grace kept my mind, and didn't allow depression to swallow me whole.

     God's grace has allowed me to have a Mariah Carey "Shake it Off" mentality. it doesn't happen instantaneously. Bad situations present, and I don't break into song. Sometimes, I allow myself to fixate on problems, and stressors, and unfortunate circumstances, but I don't stay there too long. God's grace gives me my swag back after a while. God's grace reminds me that He's working behind the scenes. It reminds me that He's never forsaken me. It reminds me that I can have a faith that might appear cocky to some. But it's not cockiness...it's me boasting about my infirmities, that God's power might rest upon me.

36 Days of Worship ~ Positivity

     Today, I'm so thankful for the nudges from the Holy Spirit that remind me to be positive in all situations. I'm constantly surrounded by people who are looking passed their disappointments or let-downs and focusing on being positive.

     I love it. And I'm glad that I am the kind of person who does not like to "wallow" in unhappiness. I'm a positive person. And I will continue to be positive.

     DECEMBER IS MY MONTH!!!!!

37 Days of Worship ~ Unanswered Prayers

Ecclesiastes 3:11
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time.
He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so,
people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.

     As I was laying in bed this morning, dealing with the fact that a prayer had gone unanswered, I asked myself how I could thank God through it. Please trust and believe...praising while I was simultaneously experiencing frustration, disappointment, hurt, confusion, anger, envy, failure, discouragement and giving up was not my idea of a good time. Only obedience, and the fact that I  KNEW that I had to get passed the unpleasant emotions allowed me to let my mind go there. I am not a person who likes feeling "ugly" feelings, so I try to deal with them and move passed them hurriedly. I'm not a "wallower." Actually, wallowing makes me EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

     Anyway, as I laid there thinking about the MANY prayers that have gone unanswered in my life. I remember being "in love" with this guy in high school and praying diligently  that he would be my boyfriend. We'll call him Pierre Reynolds*. Pierre was easily one of the best catches in my high school graduating class. I mean, he was tall, fair-skinned, had a BEAUTIFUL smile, played 2 sports (football & baseball) {so you know dude had body}, and on top of all of his physical attributes, he was the nicest person you could ever want to meet. He was super sweet. If you saw him 10 times during the school day, he would speak to you 10 times. He was just a REALLY good guy. I was so in love with Pierre. Pages and pages of my senior diary were filled with thoughts, hopes and dreams of him. I wanted that boy so badly. I even convinced myself that if God wouldn't give him to me while we were in high school, I would make some MAJOR changes in my life, and get him at our 10 year reunion. I spent a lot of time praying to God about being Pierre's girlfriend. It never happened. He was in a serious relationship with some chick who I thought was WAY beneath me and my social standing at the school. (I wasn't conceited at all LOL). Anyway, during our senior year, Pierre started missing a lot of school. I mean A LOT. Later I found out that he was diagnosed with brain cancer. He didn't live past the year most of us turned 21. So there was no magical class reunion for Pierre Reynolds.
     There are so many times that God has saved me from myself and my own lack of knowledge. And even though I couldn't see it at the time, God has always had my best interest at heart. So, even though I can't see how this most recent heartbreaking let-down will work out for my good, I thank God. In spite of being disappointed, hurt, frustrated, angry, impatient, envious and confused I thank God. He sees the things that are around the corner that I can't see. And sometimes, paths have to be put in place before you can walk into something. Perhaps God is laying the groundwork for my prayer to be answered at a later date.

     All I know is that I do believe that God's will is what's best for me, even when I'm selfish and self-absorbed and REALLY want my own will. I know that the Lord will help me to come to terms with the plans He has for my life. After all He created me for Himself...not the other way around.

38 Days of Worship ~ Answered Prayer

     There are 452 scriptures in the King James Version of the bible that contain the phrase, "it came to pass." I love that phrase. To me, it speaks of something happening, then time passing, then something else happening that has relevance to the first thing. It makes me think that just because some time passed, doesn't mean that God forgot about the first thing. He just put it on the back-burner for a while.

     It reminds me of answered prayer. Like how you can pray for something, life goes on, then one day you look up and God has answered your prayer.

     As I held a sleeping K2.0 today, I was thinking. There is NO WAY on earth that I could list, or recall every prayer that God has answered in my life. I don't even know that numbers can go up that high. But I was trying to recount how many "dreams come true" that I've experienced.

     Getting into my first choice high school was a dream come true. Getting into my first choice college was a dream come true. Some of the jobs that I've been hired for have been dreams come true. Some of the guys I've dated have been dreams come true. Getting pregnant with K was a dream come true. The fact that she was a girl was a dream come true. Having my first book published was a dream come true. Getting pregnant with K2.0 was a dream come true. Having him be healthy, in spite of was a dream come true.

     I've experienced so many "dreams come true" in my life. As I think about them, my heart threatens to burst with love, adoration and gratitude for the God I serve. How good He's been to me, even when I was undeserving and happy living in my sin. How He rained blessings on me when I was unworthy. I'm just so thankful for every "dream come true." I'm just so grateful that God has created me to be a person who recognizes the goodness in my life, and appreciates it.

     Thank you , Lord.

39 Days of Worship ~ Another Chance

Psalm 30:2
God, my God, I yelled for help and you put me together.
God, you pulled me out of the grave,
gave me another chance at life when I was down-and-out.
 

     I like to think of myself as an open-minded person, although I realize that's not always true. I mean, a single girl really can't tell me too much about being married (especially since I've been married for 15 years), nor do I go around espousing advice about how to raise multiples, when I was the mother of an only child for 15 years. Then there's the fact that you could never pay me enough money to eat pork and I (get ready to be shocked) believe that corporal punishment is acceptable and sometimes mandatory (depending on the child in question). So, there are some things that I am decidedly not open to. But generally, I work really hard not to color things simply black or white. Good or bad. Intelligent or stupid. And so on. I try to see things from other's points of  view, and be...well open-minded.

     I started considering my own willingness to give things (and people) several chances as I sipped a cup of coffee this morning. Now, I don't like coffee. I LOVE the smell of coffee, but the taste...uhm, not a fan. I have at various times in my life attempted to become a coffee drinker. I can remember days of being in S.eattle's B.est Coffee and pouring half of the contents of my cup out and replacing them with cream, then adding no less than 10 sugar packets. I can remember days of doing the same exact thing the with coffee from C.aribou Coff.ee and St.arbuck's as well. Coffee just isn't my thing.

     Still, for some reason that didn't stop me from making a pit stop this morning to pick up a Pumpkin Spice Latte. I don't know what I expected to taste, other than "pumpkin spice." I guess I conveniently pushed the idea that a "latte" was a coffee product from my mind. As I took the first sip, I chuckled.  Mrs. Mocha, when are you ever gonna learn? I asked myself.

      But there I was, sipping the latte and giving coffee yet "another chance." Then I started to thank God that I'm the type of person who will give things and people "one more chance." I'm thankful that one bad go-round doesn't necessarily write a situation off in my book. If God wasn't the God of a 2nd chance, where would I be? I don't even wanna think about that. So, I thank God for the spirit of "another chance." I thank Him for of all of the one more chances in my life. If I thought back over my life, I probably couldn't even recollect how many times that "another chance" has given me a FABULOUS opportunity. Or how many times, people have had to give me "another chance."

     Thank you Lord that in Your all knowingness, You understood that first impressions wouldn't always paint a correct portrait of a person, thing or situation. Thank You that for those very instances You created the "second chance."

The Gift of Touch

Matthew 9:21
She said to herself, “If I only touch his cloak, I will be healed.”

     Today, as I held my sleeping 1 year old son in my arm (the same way that I used to do when he was 1 month old), I started to smile. It pleased me that although he is much bigger than he was then, he still fits so comfortably in the crook of my elbow. He can still be "my baby." I don't have to turn him completely over to the world of "toddler-hood" quite, yet.

     I cuddled him close to me, and held him there for as long as I could. But all to soon, I had to lay him down, so that I could take care of the next matter of business.

     But it made me think about how important the sensation of touch is in my life. I'm always swooping K2.0 up into my arms and attempting to hug him tightly as he fights to get away holding him close to me. I love to rub my cheek to his cheek, or gently squeeze the excess "baby" chub on his thighs and arms. I enjoy the feeling of his warm breath on my neck, as he snuggles in (which is a decidedly rare occurence these days). I embrace him, and wish that time could stand still while I experience the sensation of his body touching mine. Sometimes, when she's not feeling all "big girl", K will let me hold me, and hug her (although it takes patience on her part, because she's several inches taller than I am, and I tend to pull her down when we hug). She'll let me kiss her soft cheeks, and love her up for a few moments. And when the hubby is home, I like to fall into his chest and rest my head there. I like to try to wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly. Having physical contact with the ones I love makes me feel safe. Warm. Loved.

     I'm from a very touchy-feely family. That's probably because my family is predominantly matriarchal. We're always hugging and kissing each other. The hubby's family isn't like that at all, so sometimes all of my "touchiness" is probably annoying too much for him. But I can't help it.

     During my dating years, after giving goo-gobs of fellas the wrong impression about where things mght be heading, I started making disclaimers to guys. They went something like this: *with a pleasant expression* "Sorry, if it seems like I'm all on you. I'm just a "touchy-feely" person. I really don't mean anything by it." I never thought this was a weird thing to do, because 99% of the time, I was with a cousin of mine, who was the EXACT same way about touching strangers as I was, and she would be giving the guy closest to her THE EXACT SAME SPEECH. Looking back, I wonder what was going through the minds of dudes after they got that speech. Hahahahahahaha!

     Lord, thank you for the gift of touch, and the connection to one another that it allows humans to have. Thank you that touch can be a "love language." Thank you that it can convey love, hope, connection, affinity, sympathy, empathy, safety, well-wishes, friendship, positivity, understanding and bring healing. Thank you Lord, that in your all knowingness, you understood that we would at times on this earth need a way to communicate thoughts and emotions without words...and for that you provided the gift of touch.