The Secrets That We Keep

     July 11, 2012

     So, I'm currently going through IVF. Nobody knows this except the hubby (of course), and the people at my clinic (naturally), and the people at both pharmacies that my insurance uses (goes without saying) There is however, the strong possibility that K knows. I mean, she is 17, and she's not a stupid girl. Plus, she's been giving me the injections, although I have tried to lead her to believe that those have something to do with my messed-up thyroid.

     It’s pretty bittersweet going through this ordeal alone. I mean, on the one hand I’m a VERY private person, so the idea of keeping my business to myself suits me. I don’t have to listen to the negative  comments that are going to come regarding my age (41), or that I have a daughter who is headed to college in about 50 days,  or my employment status (sahm), or my the fact that my son was diagnosed with a chromosomal disorder at birth. I can spend this time dreaming of completing my family and what that will look like.

     On the other hand, it does kinda suck not being able to share the ups and downs of this thing with anybody. I mean, right now my stomach aches, and my pants are almost too tight to button. And the hormones are make me crazy. Last night, K2.0 was really giving me the business when I was getting him ready for the bath. He would kick his little He-Man legs every time I tried to get his diaper off. So, I decided to let him know that I was serious with him, and not interested in playing with him. I meant to calmly, but firmly say, “Cut it out, 2.0,” while hitting the bed for emphasis. What ended up happening, was me yelling, “Stop!”, while punching the bed. The hubby and K were in the room with us, and the three of them looked at me like I was insane, and the room got eerily quiet. I was so consumed with my own thoughts (why did I yell that, when I meant to say it calmly, but firmly????), that I didn’t even remember to apologize to my baby, or explain myself to the hubby and/or K. I was still wondering what had come over me later, while I was actually bathing K2.0, and before I went to sleep.

     I would love to share with a friend or confidante that today is day 7 of stims, and I already have 8 measurable follies. That my nurse says that I’m responding better to stims than the girls in their 20s who are also cycling this month. I shared it with the Hubby, his response was, “I’m happy for you.” He’s happy for me? Whatever. For fear of what  the hormones might lead me to say, I let that comment ride.

     I wish I could share how scared I am about this cycle. How I want my body to respond well, but I don’t want to use my last 15 good eggs on this attempt, and have it not work. There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now. Mainly about how badly I hope this cycle is successful. I REALLY want to get off of this rollercoaster. I really want to complete the family building portion of my life and get to the part where I’m enjoying watching my kids grow and blossom.

     I wish that I had somebody to tell exactly how EXCITED I am, that this opportunity is even happening to me!!!

I'm Thinking...Three

June 28, 2012


     So, I know I haven't been the most regular of bloggers. And I have any number of excuses for that. Starting with K's prom, her high school graduation, and her impending move to Virginia for college. In the midst of all of this, I have been preparing for IVF #1. Now that, is something that I have been VERY reluctant to blog about...mainly because of fear of failure.

     Anyway, I'll end the BCPs in two days. I go for my baseline next Thursday. I'll probably start my stims that day, as well. Then, I'll be off to the races.

     My RE's office already informed for me that for my age-group, my insurance will allow me to put back as many as 5 embryos. That number made me heart race. I'm not at all interested in putting back 5. But it is something that I've given a lot of thought. My husband only wants to put back one, but me? I'm thinking that I wanna put back 3.

     We'll see if that stands. *smile*

24 Days of Worship ~ I Feel Good!!!

Habakkuk 3:18
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will joy in the God of my salvation.

     This is a single by gospel great, Fred Hammond. I love him. He has such pleasing and relaxing vocal stylings to me. But the thing about this song that really moves me, is the lyrics.

     The first time I heard the song, I chose to meditate on the phrase, "The joy I feel on the inside, should show up on the outside." I LOVE that!!! I try to live like that. But since hearing this song, I make a seriously concerted effort to make sure that when people come in contact with me, they leave my presence with the sense that they had an encounter with a joyful person. I do feel joy on the inside. I mean, not every second of the day. Sometimes, I feel down right defeated (I try not to stay there, but I definitely have moments where I feel down, just like anybody else). But, in general I am a joyous person. Life is sooo good. In spite of everything that sucks, life is sooo good. It's good just to even have life. Life allows me to cuddle with K2.0, kiss the chubby cheeks of K (when she'll let me, LOL), and hug the hubs. Life allows me to experience nature, and the beauty of God's earth. It allows me to laugh, and hear good jokes, and have good conversations, and think deep thoughts. I just really enjoy the gift of life.

     I love the part of the song that says, "I choose to feel love. I choose to feel peace." I thank God that in His all knowingness, He gave me the ability to CHOOSE. So, I'm with Fred Hammond. I choose to feel love. I choose to feel peace. I choose to feel joy. I chose to feel forgiving. I choose to feel cooperative. I choose to feel flexible. I choose to feel humility. I choose to feel inspired. I choose to feel hopeful. I choose to feel good.

     I feel good. Not because anything particularly new, or exciting is happening in my life at the moment. But just because I choose to feel good.

     I feel good. I feel good. I feel good. (fade out)

Disappointment

     So, I had taken a break from blogging, because I was boring myself with all of the post about me "still not being pregnant", after a record-breaking 12 months of trying.

     I was ready to move on to IVF, but my insurance company insists that I try IUI, first. I have to be honest, I have never had a lot of faith in IUI. I don't know why. I don't have any evidence to back up my feelings, I just always think of it as a llllllllooooooonnnnnnggggggsssssshhhhhooooootttttt. So, I felt pretty confident that I would waste three good months, attempting IUIs that weren't gonna work.

     But somewhere during the course of being injected with multiple IUs of Follistim by my teenage daughter, and going in for "follicle checks", blood work and ultrasounds, I started to believe that maybe IUI would work for us. Maybe we would finally get our final child/ren and finally complete our family.

     I was totally hopeful, that when I started having light spotting and extreme menstrual cramps yesterday afternoon, I convinced myself that it was implantation. I mean, I was still 8 days out from when my period is supposed to start, it was perfect timing. But when the cramps returned today with even more force, and when spotting turned to bleeding, there was no way I could continue on in my denial. My period is coming....or it's here. I'm not really sure which one, yet.

     It's 7 days early. I wasn't even scheduled for my beta until next Monday, but my period decided to rob me of that opportunity. I didn't even get to make it to the place where you wonder if your trigger shot has left your body, and run through a few HPTs. I can't help wondering if I should've insisted on adding the progesterone that they told me I didn't need, to my protocol.

     This cycle was a Major bust.

25 Days of Worship ~ Awesome

Psalm 47:2
For the LORD Most High is awesome;
He is a great King over all the earth.

     This is my pastor, and church choir. They performed this song at The Stellar Awards this year. The words are fabulous!!! MY GOD IS AWESOME.

 

26 Days of Worship ~ Love...so many people use your name in vain

1 Peter 4:8
Above all, love each other deeply,
because love covers over a multitude of sins.


   I'm not really big on Valentine's Day. I never require the hubby to acknowledge it, let alone spend money on anything pertaining to it. As a matter of fact, the best "Valentine's Day" gift that I've ever gotten has been new tires on my car (sooo romantic - LOL).

     However, I am a huge fan of love. Real love. Lasting love. Love that goes beyond butterflies in the stomach and goosebumps. Love that chooses to love even when it's angry, hurt, tired, bored, repetitive, or otherwise. Love that endures. Love that surpasses. Love that encompasses. Love that...loves.

Speechless

     This young lady is the worship leader at my church.

     She has such a blessed voice. I hope you enjoy hearing her, as much as I do each Sunday.