Sunday, September 9, 2012

The Secrets That We Keep

     July 11, 2012

     So, I'm currently going through IVF. Nobody knows this except the hubby (of course), and the people at my clinic (naturally), and the people at both pharmacies that my insurance uses (goes without saying) There is however, the strong possibility that K knows. I mean, she is 17, and she's not a stupid girl. Plus, she's been giving me the injections, although I have tried to lead her to believe that those have something to do with my messed-up thyroid.
     It’s pretty bittersweet going through this ordeal alone. I mean, on the one hand I’m a VERY private person, so the idea of keeping my business to myself suits me. I don’t have to listen to the negative  comments that are going to come regarding my age (41), or that I have a daughter who is headed to college in about 50 days,  or my employment status (sahm), or my the fact that my son was diagnosed with a chromosomal disorder at birth. I can spend this time dreaming of completing my family and what that will look like.

     On the other hand, it does kinda suck not being able to share the ups and downs of this thing with anybody. I mean, right now my stomach aches, and my pants are almost too tight to button. And the hormones are make me crazy. Last night, K2.0 was really giving me the business when I was getting him ready for the bath. He would kick his little He-Man legs every time I tried to get his diaper off. So, I decided to let him know that I was serious with him, and not interested in playing with him. I meant to calmly, but firmly say, “Cut it out, 2.0,” while hitting the bed for emphasis. What ended up happening, was me yelling, “Stop!”, while punching the bed. The hubby and K were in the room with us, and the three of them looked at me like I was insane, and the room got eerily quiet. I was so consumed with my own thoughts (why did I yell that, when I meant to say it calmly, but firmly????), that I didn’t even remember to apologize to my baby, or explain myself to the hubby and/or K. I was still wondering what had come over me later, while I was actually bathing K2.0, and before I went to sleep.

     I would love to share with a friend or confidante that today is day 7 of stims, and I already have 8 measurable follies. That my nurse says that I’m responding better to stims than the girls in their 20s who are also cycling this month. I shared it with the Hubby, his response was, “I’m happy for you.” He’s happy for me? Whatever. For fear of what  the hormones might lead me to say, I let that comment ride.

     I wish I could share how scared I am about this cycle. How I want my body to respond well, but I don’t want to use my last 15 good eggs on this attempt, and have it not work. There are so many thoughts running through my mind right now. Mainly about how badly I hope this cycle is successful. I REALLY want to get off of this rollercoaster. I really want to complete the family building portion of my life and get to the part where I’m enjoying watching my kids grow and blossom.

     I wish that I had somebody to tell exactly how EXCITED I am, that this opportunity is even happening to me!!!


  1. You are telling someone. Those of us that read your blog. We are here. :) Very excited for you!!

  2. So this was over a month ago...Do you have any news? :)